The Messiah Has Returned

by Valerie Dohrer

JULIA is walking up the staircase to her apartment carrying a briefcase. Through the little light in the hallway, we can see she is exhausted. She opens the door.

Her apartment suddenly fills with light. There is a small choir hitting a magnificent chord in the background. JESUS is sitting on her couch, bathed in light.

JULIA: Oh my God.

JESUS: Hello, Julia.

He motions for his choir to stop singing.

JULIA: What are…why?

JESUS: Julia I need your help.

JULIA: Excuse me?

JESUS: See me and the big guy, (pointing up) aren’t really getting along too well these days and seeing as you’re the (reading her business card) “family counselor with the answers,” I thought I’d stop by.

JULIA: You’re Jesus Christ?

JESUS: Yeah, can we get past the literal stuff and go straight to the deeper issues at hand?

JULIA: I don’t know if I’m qualified for this.

JESUS: Trust me, Julia. Don’t be intimidated just because I’m the Messiah.

JULIA: Exactly. You’re the Messiah. You don’t need counseling.

JESUS: Why does everyone assume that because I’m the savior my personal life is peachy? Sure I have to smile for the cameras and pretend to be optimistic, but it’s not easy to live with the pressure of being the Son of God.

JULIA: I read somewhere you’re one of thousands of religious figures who are really just personifications of the sun.

JESUS: I’m not exactly sure what a personification is, but I can assure you I’m completely real.

JESUS puts a hand on JULIA to show her that he’s real as one of the choirboys rummages around in her fridge.

JULIA: Hey, could you tell your angel friend to lay off my leftovers?

JESUS: (to the choir boy) Ricardo, please keep your nose out of the chow mein. It’s all this woman has to eat…by herself…on a Friday night.

JULIA: I thought you of all people we’re not supposed to judge people.

JESUS: All for appearances, babe.

JULIA: How can you create a religion without believing in any of your own teachings?

JESUS: My Dad promised I could pick the winning lottery numbers and choose the Oscar winners if I told the people what he wanted me to.

JULIA: You are far from what I picture when I think of Jesus.

JESUS: Yeah, well, some people think I’m black. Imagine the shock they get when a middle-aged Jew shows up at their doorstep.

JULIA: So you’ve done this whole surprise-visit-thing before?

JESUS: Let’s just say the only advice I get up there is “pray your problems away.”

JULIA: And you come to Earth when you need a shrink.

JESUS: I would be at Oprah’s right now but she’s in Africa helping little girls or something.

JULIA: Oh, I see how it is. If you can’t get Oprah you go for the therapist who lives right next to Harpo Studios.

JESUS: Well it sounds so mean when you put it that way.

JULIA: What about Dr. Phil?

JESUS: He just doesn’t get me, ya know? He always yells and tells me to talk to my Dad about what I’m feeling. I just don’t like talking to my Dad. All he does is nag and whine that no one on Earth does what he wants.

JULIA: Jesus…

JESUS: And I’m like, “You’re the one who decided to give them free will and if you don’t like what they’re doing then use your power to make some changes.” But he just gets all pouty and stuff. How can I make him leave me alone? I just wanna travel the universe and-

JULIA: If you’d like to make an appointment you can call the number on my card. I’ve had a really long day and would personally like to go to bed.

JESUS: Remember that time someone asked you if you could have lunch with five people living or dead, who would it be? I think I was one of those people, Julia…

JULIA: I’m pretty sure I was fifteen when I said that.

JESUS: … and now you’re shoving me away. Just like my ex-disciples. Typical humans I guess.

JULIA: I am not shoving you away. You’re trespassing in my house.

JESUS: You know I died for your sins.

Stalemate. They stare at each other.

RICARDO resumes eating JULIA’s chow mein.

JULIA: You didn’t even want to be here and now you can come and go as you please.

JESUS:(like a 4 year old) I wouldn’t talk to the Son of God like that. You might just die unexpectedly. He can make it sudden if he wants or he can make it last.

JULIA: Jesus, are you threatening me?

JESUS: Look, most people would be kissing my feet and honored that I chose them to go to for help with my problems but you are just being ungrateful.

JULIA: Listen every night, I come home, I go to my bedroom and change into my PJ’s, I then walk into the kitchen and grab myself an Activia Yogurt before returning to my room to watch an episode of Golden Girls where Bea Arthur’s voice lulls me to sleep.

JESUS: And you feel qualified to help people with their problems?

JULIA: If you’re not gone by the time I walk through here to get my yogurt then – Jesus Christ or not – I will call the police.

JULIA disappears into her bedroom. JESUS, dejected, picks up JULIA’s cat’s litter box and pours it out onto the couch.

JESUS: (in a hushed tone) Go! Go!

JESUS and his small choir scamper out as the lights fade out.