Everything That

Can Hurt a Man

by Patrick Devaney

Characters:

JAMES

ANTHONY

CARL

GABRIELLA

Two men, JAMES and ANTHONY sit at a small circular outdoor café table. It is sunny and the two men are deep in conversation.

JAMES: And then she slammed the door in my face and left. My own wife!

ANTHONY: Man.

JAMES: Yeah.

ANTHONY: That sucks, man.

JAMES: I know! She almost broke the door.

ANTHONY: Yeah. (Pause.) So what happened then.

JAMES: Well, I thought about what she said right before she left, you know, how-

ANTHONY: (Cutting JAMES off.) She wanted you to burn in-

JAMES: (Cutting ANTHONY off.) In Hell? Yeah. And after thinking about how angry she was, I picked up the phone and made a call.

ANTHONY: A call? To who? For what?

JAMES: Sex! What else?

ANTHONY: Make-up sex?

JAMES: Nope.

ANTHONY: Angry sex?

JAMES: Of course. (Does one of those pompous self-laughs.) Anthony, what are you, a dumbass? (Still laughing.)

ANTHONY: No. (Beat.) You didn’t make up?

JAMES: No.

ANTHONY: Oh. (Beat.)

JAMES: Okay, so, I went over to her place and I thought we were connecting, you know?

ANTHONY: Yeah?

JAMES: There I was, looking right into her eyes and, out of nowhere, BAM!

ANTHONY: What?

JAMES: You know what.

ANTHONY: Oh, yeah. Yeah! Of course! (Pause.) Well, did you have a good time?

JAMES: (pause.) What? What are you talking about? (Pause. Glares at Anthony.)

ANTHONY: Um, I just assumed that you were, uh, you seemed to leading to, um, to that (Pause.) path.

JAMES: So you just assume that all my stories are about sex?

ANTHONY: Maybe.

JAMES: Are you insulting me? Huh?

ANTHONY: What? (Laughs nervously.) No! I would never do that. Man, come on! I’m your boy, your bud, your, your bro! You must be crazy. You know me. I know you. I thought you would never be like that to me. (Looks down, then back up to see if his reversal worked.)

JAMES: Sorry. (Looks down at coffee. Looks up.) So why didn’t you just tell me you didn’t know?

ANTHONY: What?

JAMES: Why didn’t you tell me you had no idea what I was talking about?

ANTHONY: What? No! You’re out of your mind! (Pause.) I had an idea. You told the story the wrong way! That’s why I got confused. You tricked me. (Gasps as a look of sudden realization comes over his face.) You cheated!

JAMES: It’s my story! I can tell it however I want!

ANTHONY: No. Nope. (Crosses his arms. The two men stare at each other.) You hinted it! You said BAM!

JAMES: And? (Leans back in his chair, smirking.) BAM does NOT mean I fucked her. Besides, what do you care? I’ve told you stories about my wife before. You should know HOW it was.

ANTHONY: Oh. Fine. (Wants to say he’s sorry, but doesn’t.) Uh, when’s Carl getting here?

JAMES: I don’t know. He’s been running late all week. It must be that new girlfriend of his. What’s her name?

ANTHONY: (Laughs uncomfortably). I think it’s something like Jordan or Cameron. I think it’s a guy’s name. Gabe! Her name’s Gabe, I think.

JAMES: What, no! It can’t be Gabe. Carl’s girl definitely has a girl’s name.

ANTHONY: Oh. Are you sure?

JAMES: I’ll just ask him when he comes.

ANTHONY: Yeah, YOU can ask him. (Slumps back in his seat, pouting.)

JAMES: What?

ANTHONY: It was my idea. I should get to ask him.

JAMES: Fine. Go ahead. (Looks back down at newspaper.)

ANTHONY: (Pause.) No. You can go. Really, I don’t mind.

JAMES: (Looks up and stares.) What? What are you talking about?

ANTHONY: Well, you guilt-tripped me.

JAMES stares at him. JAMES is about to retort, but is interrupted. Enter GABRIELLA. Shes grabs a chair.)

GABRIELLA: Hi, are you James and Anthony?

ANTHONY: Yeah.

GABRIELLA: Oh, good. (She sits down in the seat. Beat.) I’m Gabriella.

ANTHONY: Gabriella! Hey!

JAMES: How’s it going?

GABRIELLA: Great! We’ve been walking around town, just popping into the little stores and markets, Carl and me. It’s been great.

ANTHONY: Where is Carl?

Gabriella: Oh, he’s checking the car. He’s been freaking out all morning about it. It’s parked in the construction parking, but I told him they don’t even start work until around twelve. I walk by there every day. That company doesn’t do much work. They really are quite lazy. (Beat.) Sorry. I’ve just been stealing all the conversation. Silly me. You just wanted to know where he was, Carl. You see, he’s not usually that nervous, it’s just that he thought he saw construction workers walking towards the site. (She laughs to herself before realizing that the two men sitting across from her don’t know her enough to really interact with her.) Sorry. What were you guys talking about before I came in.

ANTHONY: Nothing, just some guy stuff.

JAMES: No it’s not. Not everything we talk about is guy stuff. You really want to know, Gabriella?

GABRIELLA: Of course!

ANTHONY: Are you sure?

JAMES: Of course. Look, we forgot your name.

ANTHONY: No, not that one. I thought you were talking about the conversation before that.

GABRIELLA: Oh, no problem! To be honest, I didn’t know your name either. Well, I remembered Anthony’s. (She looks at JAMES)

ANTHONY: Thanks.

GABRIELLA turns to ANTHONY, not embarrassed at all by her mistake. JAMES looks up.

JAMES: I’m James.

GABRIELLA: Oh hi! Isn’t it funny that I mixed you two up? Are you guys related? You guys look so similar!

ANTHONY: Actually, you just didn’t know us, so it wouldn’t be funny at all. It’s kinda irritating the way-

JAMES: Shut up, Anthony! Where did you say Carl went?

GABRIELLA: He’s moving the car. (Beat.) He really is quite charming.

JAMES: I didn’t say anything.

GABRIELLA: I’m just saying. His eyes are georgeous and his smile is great and I love the way he speaks. His accent really turns me on sometimes.

ANTHONY: Wait, what?

GABRIELLA: I said he has the most beautiful accent. Not to mention his smile. Did I mention that?

ANTHONY: Uh, you do know that he’s

JAMES: (trying to interrupt him but ending up talking under him.) Anthony!

ANTHONY: White?

JAMES: Anthony!

GABRIELLA: Of course!

ANTHONY: What?

GABRIELLA: Yup.

ANTHONY: So, he fell on his head, went into a comma, you spent weeks nurturing him, he wakes up with a fucking accent and you decide NOT to introduce ourselves.

JAMES: Anthony, (Closes his eyes.) what the hell are you talking about?

ANTHONY: Well, James, what other explanation is there. Do you think that he would just fake an accent?

GABRIELLA: Yup.

ANTHONY: Well, see there. That’s all the proof you need. (Beat. ANTHONY doesn’t notice. JAMES looks at ANTHONY.) Wait. Hold on. (Beat.) Nope. I’m confused.

GABRIELLA: Yup.

JAMES: So, you’re saying that, you knew of this, and he’s faking an accent and he’s doing this because (Beat.) he’s crazy?

GABRIELLA: Yes, yes and no.

ANTHONY: That’s debatable.

JAMES: Shut, up, Anthony.

GABRIELLA: No, he’s doing it because I, (Beat.) I told him it helped me through the darkness.

ANTHONY: The what?

GABRIELLA: The darkness. I told him that his accent helped shelter me through the demons I keep down every day.

JAMES: No you don’t. You can’t possibly be serious!

GABRIELLA: Wow. James, (She leans across the table, toward JAMES.) there’s something about you that I like.

ANTHONY: Hey guys. (No one responds.) Guys. Why don’t you tell her, Gabe, Gabriella, the story we were right in the middle of before you left?

JAMES: Yes, yes. My wife. What was it was talking about?

ANTHONY: You happened to be telling me about the fight that you had until you-

JAMES: The fight! Oh of course! (Turns to face GABRIELLA. He attempts a compassionate sob.) I had, (sniffs nose.) a fight (Beat.) with my wife!

GABRIELLA: (Not Sincere.) I’m sorry. Why?

JAMES is offended, but keeps trying to look grieved.

GABRIELLA: Oh my God! I never have fights with CARL. I’m so glad. He’s so nice. Sometimes he’s a pushover and it gets on my nerves, you know? The only time we ever fight is about the other guys.

ANTHONY: Other men? You mean like, you’re,

GABRIELLA: but that’s a story for another time.

ANTHONY: Excuse me? Can you explain further?

GABRIELLA: I was about to tell you guys the whole story, and then BAM! It hit me! I don’t even know these guys. I don’t even know your names, except for James. Speaking of which, what happened? How did you get in a fight?

ANTHONY: Wait! Gabriella. You mean like, (Beat) as in other guys, you mean, you cheated?

JAMES: Quiet. That’s personal, Anthony!

ANTHONY: not any more personal than the fight you had with your wife, and we already had that conversation.

GABRIELLA: We haven’t even started it yet.

JAMES: It’s not the same. Trust me.

JAMES and GABRIELLA: Stupid-ass.

ANTHONY: Look, did you cheat or not?

GABRIELLA: No! It was just this one guy. But he had the most beautiful teeth you’ve ever seen. Not to mention the size of his-

ANTHONY: (Says quickly.) Never mind!

GABRIELLA: lips.

ANTHONY: Oh. Sorry.

GABRIELLA: Oh, they were magnificent. And he really knew how to use them. Oh, what with the thrusting and the force too! He used to-

ANTHONY: Okay, okay! Enough.

GABRIELLA: You’re a bit of a prude, aren’t you?

JAMES: Yeah. Yeah, he is.

ANTHONY: No, I’m not! I just don’t see why we have to get into all these personal details with our friend’s girlfriend. And we don’t even know her!

JAMES: Yeah, well you have to meet people sometime. Why not now?

ANTHONY: Fine. (Looks gloomy.) Go on.

GABRIELLA: Wow. You guys have some issues. I mean you really fight. I wish I wasn’t married. (Giggles to herself.) Guys. A tip. Don’t get divorced. It only affects one in a negative light. (Keeps on laughing.) So, how was the make-up sex?

JAMES: Make-up sex? I never had any make-up sex.

ANTHONY: Oh, so now you can talk about it.

GABRIELLA: Oh. I just assumed that you would have make-up sex after fighting. That’s why people fight in the first place.

ANTHONY slaps his hand onto his face.

JAMES: No. (Takes a deep breath.) Okay, so what happened was I was having an argument with my wife and she was winning, like usual.

GABRIELLA: What was the argument.

JAMES: It doesn’t matter. Why do you care anyway? You shouldn’t care.

GABRIELLA: I don’t. I was just curious. You guys. Wow. (Beat.) Go on.

JAMES: Well, she went off on this rant and I get hella mad. This is when I start to bring in random arguments from years, and I mean years ago. She couldn’t even keep up with me. ‘But James,’ she would say. ‘But James, I’m not even pregnant any more. You can’t blame it on a hormone imbalance this time!’ or ‘What the hell does forgetting to take out the trash for two weeks in a row six months ago have to do with this!?’ I was being fired at big time! So then finally, she gets up and storms out of the house. So like a fool, I follow after her and right in the doorway. She’s standing there and yells, ‘I hate you James!’ and then she slams the door in my face. I couldn’t believe it.

GABRIELLA: Wow. (Beat.) You guys do have problems.

ANTHONY: That’s not even the rest of the story. You see, James here felt guilty, so he decided to call her back, and she’s still mad at him because they have, and these are his words, not mine,

JAMES: Anthony, that’s not how it went.

ANTHONY: Angry sex.

JAMES: Anthony! That’s not how it went!

ANTHONY: Really? Well, if it wasn’t angry-sex and it wasn’t make-up sex, what was it?

JAMES: Hooker sex.

GABRIELLA: What?

ANTHONY: What? I’m not familiar with that type. Is that a position or some kind of metaphor for an emotion?

JAMES: No, its hooker sex. Sex with a hooker.

ANTHONY: A hooker? You mean a real, live, (Beat.) prostitute?

JAMES: (Leans back in seat, kind of sad, but kind of proud at the same time.) Yup. A real live body that you pay. (Beat.) I know.

ANTHONY: Wow. You’re so pathetic. You really are.

JAMES: I know.

ANTHONY: I mean, you’re not the nicest guy in the world, but this is bad. I feel sorry for the situation you’ve put yourself in. You must be the-

GABRIELLA: bravest guy ever?

ANTHONY: (Almost screaming.) What!?

JAMES: (Looking up.) What?

GABRIELLA: You know. You have to make a call and tell them you want an escort and then you just wait in your apartment. Sure, you try to occupy yourself. Maybe get a quick one out of the way to increase stamina; work out to get your hormones pumping; watch Lifetime to understand the average female. The usual. But all the while, your heart is pumping and you know you could get arrested for it. It’s just brave is all I’m saying.

ANTHONY stares at GABRIELLA, astounded. He then looks to JAMES with an ‘I can’t believe you guys’ look.

JAMES: I’m brave?

ANTHONY: Oh come on!

JAMES: Hey! Keep quiet over there. I’m going through a rough time. I just slept with another woman.

ANTHONY: One purpose! After you called her and arrange the money, plus change!

JAMES: You don’t tip a hooker.

GABRIELLA: Really? But its her living and I’m shure her pimp doesn’t give her enough as it is-

ANTHONY: GUYS! I’m trying to talk! (Pauses. Looks at GABRIELLA.) Who the hell are you? (Beat.) Look, never mind. You guys are crazy! Both of you.

JAMES: Wow. It finally comes out.

ANTHONY: It’s not out yet. Trust me.

JAMES: Well. You basically just told me that you hated me. What’s left to tell? What, are you gay or something?

ANTHONY: Of course not.

JAMES: Cause it would make me feel a lot better about calling you gay.

ANTHONY: Good.

JAMES: Except, I don’t feel bad. You deserved it all those times. If you act gay, you’re getting called for it.

ANTHONY: I wasn’t being gay! It’s called Sex and the City! It’s an HBO comedy. What else is there to say? There’s got to be a straight male fan-base.

JAMES: And, I win.

ANTHONY: Okay that’s it. You want me to let me know how I feel you want me to open up?

JAMESL No.

ANTHONY: It’s not up to you.

GABRIELLA: I’m not really interested in hearing your life story. I don’t want to be bored right now.

ANTHONY: Just let me talk. I’m never able to talk. I just-

JAMES: Look, Anthony, you’ll get your chance to talk, but right now, its papa’s turn to talk so why don’t you sit back and let the magic flow from my mouth. Let the grownups talk over here.

ANTHONY: You know what, James, No. You shut up. You shut the fuck up. Both of you. Yeah, even you, Gabe.

GABRIELLA puts her hand to her chest, gesturing, “are you talking to me?”

ANTHONY: You keep telling me to be quiet, but you never really know what I’m going to say. You call me naïve, you call me dumb, and you call me everything that can hurt a man’s feelings. You know the reason why I don’t get your social cliques, your ‘funny’ inside jokes? You know why you say you put up with me every day? It’s because you’re nothing but a boy, a little kid who finds power from insults. You think your cool. You think Gabriella thinks your cool. Oh, and I know what your thinking. You’re not even sorry. Oh, no! You’re just pissed off at me for outing you in front of Gabriella. And I don’t care about the fact that you insult me regularly. I can even put up with the knowledge of a man, who after sex with a prostitute will try to “spit game” at one of his friends’ girlfriend even when he himself is married. (Beat.) But when you think that it’s working and you think everyone is intimidated into liking you, that, James, that is when I cross the line.

JAMES: The lines definitely been crossed now.

ANTHONY: Oh, you noticed.

JAMES: I guess I’m not wanted then. (Looks at ANTHONY and then GABRIELLA. She takes out her phone, looking away from JAMES.) I’ll just go.

Exit JAMES.

ANTHONY: I’ll see you later if I ever see you. Bye.

Exit ANTHONY. There is a long pause. Then, GABRIELLA’S phone rings. She picks it up and answers it.

GABRIELLA: Carl! Hi! I’ve been waiting for your call. Why didn’t you come? Oh. I could see how you could get tired of them after a while. How was it? It was definitely interesting, I can tell you that. How was checking the meter? Good! I’m glad you didn’t get a ticket! What? Noo! Nothing happened. James is the nicest guy. Anthony is a little dumb, though. I think he might gay.

GABRIELLA walks off, continuing to talk on the phone. Lights fade.