College

by Liza Corr

CHARACTERS

NARRATOR: The narrator is a serious voice that introduces situations, reminds you when to laugh, and points out absurdities. He or she always stands close to the audience and stage right. He or she does not move.

TOUR GUIDE: Tour Guide is a student and tour guide at a university who likes to party and sing. Included are songs like, ‘I Love College’ by Asher Roth, ‘Tik Tok’ by Ke$ha and “Neighbors Know My Name’ by Trey Songz. He makes jokes none of the prospective students on his tour understand. He is dress in argyle and slacks. He is cute and classically preppy. He hasn’t really worked a day in his life.

EAGER BEAVER 1 and 2: They are good students at home. They are eager to please their parents, to impress their friends and teachers, and to finally have some gratification for all their hard work in high school. For college, they want an impressive name- one that peoples’ eyes widen at. While on a campus tour, they are set on making a good impression on their tour guide and any admissions officer who may be lurking, ready to reject their application for anything as little as a mismatched outfit.

ANNOYED GIRL: She is the admitted student on the tour.  She snaps her gum. She is loud. She was once an eager beaver but now, having been admitted, she looks down on them. She is rude because she can be. Her movements are very exaggerated.

SALLY: The pompous girl at school. She is sure she’ll get in and is sure she deserves too but hasn’t actually even begun the application process. She does her best to play the system. She cannot nor has she ever tried to speak a word of French. She goes to the class to gets As, not to learn it.

PUSH OVER: He is a very small boy and an innocent bystander.  

SALLY’S MOM: Sally’s Mom clearly spoils sally. She is a power mom and is just as eager to get over on the system as Sally is. She is very proud of her child.

Note: The character’s names are actually Tour Guide, Eager Beaver 1, Eager Beaver 2, Annoyed Girl, Push Over, Sally’s Mom. As in first name, Tour, last name, Guide. So their names will be capitalized and they will be referred to by these names in dialogue.

SETTING

Begins on a campus tour with Tour Guide leading around Eager Beaver 1, Eager Beaver 2 and Annoyed Girl. The stage is completely empty aside from a wooden box that our Tour Guide will use to stand on. The second setting is a French classroom. Foreign language posters hang from wires all over the stage. One depicts a Garfield (the cat) barking. The caption reads, “Everyone should learn a foreign language.” One shows hands of all colors and its caption reads, “Peace” in many languages. Others promote the unity. They show pictures of kids helping kids. They shout that human nature is selfless and giving. Aside from being filled with posters this classroom is also filled with desks all pointing stage left. Sally is sitting in the closest row to the audience. Her personality is painfully juxtaposed with the posters in the background. The third setting is in the car with Sally’s Mom.

TIME

The Present.

-----

NARRATOR: (In that Law & Order voice with that music playing.) In the college application process, high school juniors embark upon their quest for prestige in an ultimate test of academic excellence. For these students, it is all or nothing. These are their stories.

(Lights fade up on group of students with big backpacks, ponytails and glasses. Their outfits are overdone. They surround an older more relaxed boy. He is standing on a stool. The boy speaks loud and like a prophet.)

TOURGUIDE: And this is Jamison. (He swings his arm in a big arc towards stage left.) It was first built in 1950 by a well-known local entrepreneur. Mr. Jamison was his name. He built a lot of this town. The story is that he wanted to spend his fortune so his unfaithful wife wouldn't get a penny. So I guess we owe much of our campus to her too. She was born just 32 before the construction of this building.

(The tour guide continues to mouth his speech and gesture emphatically at what we assume to be other campus landmarks. The Narrator speaks over this scene.)

NARRATOR: Note: (to audience) all information on campus tours are always at least twenty years out of date. Who cares who used to live there or about the life of the guy who built it? None of that will be relevant to the crappy dorm room you end up living in.

TOUR GUIDE: “Since then, we've had a number of famous guests stay here. Upstanding and remarkable artists such as: T-pain, Trey Songz, Kesha and more. God, I totally heart Kesha. I mean, I also wake up in the morning feeling like P diddy. Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city. Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back. I totally relate to her. And lucky for me, college parties here play the songs or… ‘songz’ with a ‘z’ of these unqiue and thoroughly undiscovered artists. I mean, songs like, ‘Neighbors Know My Name’ have really created a sense of community here. It’s great to have a student body so interested in knowing their neighbors. And, uh, yea… that pretty much covers everything for this area, any questions?”

(Two hands shoot up. Another is raised lazily in the air. The owner of this arm huffs and places the other arm are her hip. She looks annoyed. He calls on the eager ones first.)

TOUR GUIDE: You! With the glasses! What’s your question?

EAGER BEAVER 1: Well, I’d like to say-

(The annoyed girl cuts her off_

ANNOYED GIRL: I (emphasis on the I) am an ADDMITTED student and I just don’t get what’s so great about this place anyway. I mean. It’s so cold. And people party everywhere. Why should I go here rather than Queenston. The academics aren’t even THAT great.

(Two eagerbeavers’ jaws drop.)

NARRATOR: You should have known who she was when you saw her. The admitted student. The perfect bragging position. You can easily spot him or her in every tour. She is the one picking at her nails while everyone else is hanging on the tour guide’s every word. He is the one joking and joshing with his dad in the back. But here’s a tip for you eager beavers: relax, what your tour guide thinks of you has no effect on your admissions decision.

TOUR GUIDE: um, wow. RUDE. Dontcha just LOVE Full House? The Olson twins were just so cute when they were little! Anyway, any OTHER more… positive questions?

EAGER BEAVER 1: Well, what I had WANTED to say is that your campus is just beautiful! I would LOVE to go here. What is just the most amazing, wonderful part about going here?

TOUR GUIDE: (smiles.) First of all, best of luck getting in. By looks of it, your gonna need it. And it’s the parties for sure! I mean, Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat, then do it again.
Man, I love college…You, know, I wanna go to college for the rest of my life. Sip Banker's Club and drink Miller Lite. Plus, I can get pizza a dollar a slice. (His foot begins to tap) Man, I love college!
And I love drinking!
I love women!
Man, I love college. I can't tell you what I learned from school but
I could tell you a story or two.
Of course I’ve learned some rules,
like don't pass out with your shoes on
and don't leave the house 'til the booze gone. When it comes to condoms, put two on. Woke up today and all I could say was, ‘that party last night was awfully crazy I wish we taped it.”

Eager beaver 1 steps back, horrified.

TOUR GUIDE: No, I’m kidding… sort of. Students really appreciate the interdisciplinary learning, rigorous course load, diversity and commitment to excellence that they find in their unique liberal arts education here.

NARRATOR: Note: This is the list. Anywhere you go, this will be the list. This is what you’ll read in the brochures. This is what you’ll hear from the tour guides … give or take a speech about an honor code or extracurricular activities. Every institution will claim to defend, represent and promote these virtues….while pretending to be the only ones to do it.

EAGER BEAVER 2: I would also LOVE to go here. It would be such an honor. Like ACTUALLY. Do you have any recommendations for how to supplement my application? What did you write your essay on? What were your SAT scores? How times did you take it? Once? Twice? Three times? And what about extracurricular activities? Did you do sports? I bet you were class president. Did they know you were so cute? Can that even help? What about hardship? Did you say anything about that? My hamster died last week, you think that’d work? He was a special hamster….

TOUR GUIDE: Replies with the same vigor and rapidity. Lie and embellish as much as possible. Bullshit in the places where you were unable to lie and embellish… and add some personality where you can- doesn’t matter if its YOUR personality just pick one your parents wish you had.  And uh…The environment. 2230. 4 times. Badminton, captain, of course. TV- watched a lot of it. Yes. No. Led a charmed life so, no. No. Yes. And that is all the answers to your questions in order? Here at Purple University, we don’t miss a beat. I could give you my responses in alphabetical order if you’d like!

(The tour guide laughs. Obviously pleased with himself. No one else does. The tour guide holds his smile and looks at the faces around him seeking a reaction. He doesn’t get one. He continues to look around awkwardly until the lights dim and the scene goes black.)

-----

( When the lights come back on they illuminate a classroom filled with desks all in rows. They are facing stage left, which is clearly the front of the classroom. The teacher is nowhere to be found. Kids sit on top of desks and are turned around to face their friends. It should be a loud seen but it seems to be on mute. All that can be heard is one girl.)

SALLY: Let me see your homework. (she taps the boy in front of her demandingly. He looks back, annoyed.) I was up all night. My essays have to be perfect. And you just don’t really have time for French homework when you’re applying to schools like Harvard, Brown and Yale. Not Princeton though. God no. Too preppy! Coming from a school like Berkeley high I’m used to much more diversity so that’s why I could never go Princeton…even if I’d probably get in. Do you think I should apply just in case? I should probably apply… (The girl puts her chin in her hands and looks up towards the ceiling. She is thinking. She thinks for a couple seconds and then looks angrily back at the boy) Uh, excuse me? The French homework, please? I need like it now… like before she checks it, not after.

Push Over: uh yeah, right. Here it is. (He hands it to her. She grabs it.)

NARRATOR: This may not be funny, but it is a true story with setting and names changed to protect those involved. The sheer shock and absurdity of that should shock you into a chuckle. And at this point, I’d settle for a chuckle. Let us fast forward to sally after school.

(All the students pick up their desks and quickly move offstage. Sally makes Push Over carry hers. He staggers under the weight of both their desks. Again the lights dim and go black.)

-----

(Sally is in the car with her mom.)

SALLY: Mom, have you gotten Yoga Teacher to sign off on my P.E. hours yet? I SO am not going to actually do that. P.E. is SO W/E. Plus you know I don’t have time.

SALLY’S MOM: Yes. I’ll do that. And of course you’re right! No, P.E. is not worth your time. And about financial aid, this is not a big deal because wherever you go your father and I will be able to pay for it, it’s just the Blums have found a way not to pay. They bought a second home in Laguna Beach and they bought they’re daughter a car in order to hide funds so they’d get financial aid. So honey, I guess what I’m saying is, what kind of car would you like?

SALLY: an Audi. Convertible, of course.

NARRATOR: And that’s a wrap. Thank you for watching what felt like True Life episode.