In Flight

by Evan Cohen

Mother with a child on her lap and a teenager playing with his phone sit on opposite sides of a Palestinian terrorist.

CAPTAIN (Over Loudspeaker): Welcome aboard Flight 007 from LA to San Diego. It looks like we’ll be having a smooth ride all the way there. Before we continue on this flight I would like to point out a few new safety features of this Bowing 757. In the event of mid-air terrorism, a panel will open alongside the window seat, containing two lightweight automatic handguns.

They are fully loaded, and extra clips are available in velcro straps. As the flight Attendants are now demonstrating, to operate the pistol, simply draw back the slide and let it fall forward, then aim by lining up the slot in the rear site with the front site, cantered on the middle of your targets torso. Depress the trigger repeatedly to fire. The pistol holds 10 rounds after the last the slide will lock back.

Depress the clip release button located above the grip on the left side, remove the clip and slide a new one into place. Please be careful of your field of fire, and continue firing until your target is no longer breathing.

Your seats backs are equipped with Kevlar armor, use them as cover. Stay well down below headrest and aim over the top or around the side.

Your flight attendants are all armed with compact submachine guns, please follow their lead in directing fire.

If you feel you are unable to perform these duties, or are a conscientious objector, please let our Attendants know so we can reseat you in the 'coward’s rows' at the rear of the plane and not bring you drinks or peanuts.

For your safety, the aisles are equipped with electrified strips and computer controlled antipersonnel mines which will activate in case of emergency. For this reason, please remain in your seats until the captain has signaled all clear.

Our new planes also feature seatbelts. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In case of a breach of the plane due to an explosion the cabin will lose pressure. Oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children. If you are traveling with two small children, decide which one you love more.

Note that the area around the cockpit is cleared of seats and marked with contrasting carpet. Under no circumstances should you cross this barrier during flight, various automatic devices will be activated to protect the cockpit.

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 7 ways out of this airplane, one of which is the hatch in the floor at the back of the cabin is similarly marked and should be avoided during flight. Anyone creating a disturbance caught tampering with the pistol cases or smoke detectors in the lavatories will be apprehended and ejected via the rear floor hatch.

We do feature a smoking section on this flight for this reason; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane

Thank you, and have a pleasant flight. We know you have a choice when you fly, and we thank you for choosing Delta Business Express... and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than us.

TEENAGER: (staring into phone) Mom! How could you ever do this to me! 

MOM: Honey, what is it this time. 

TEENAGER: (still looking at phone) I can’t believe you posted that on my facebook. I am de-friend you forever! (Leans over to terrorist, still looking at phone) Look at this man! 

TERRORIST: (Thick Middle Eastern accent, reads very slowly) “John Becker: Has truly found the most wonderful girl in the world. Hillary Becker: How long did it take you to inflate her?” (Turns to teen and thinks for a second) I don’t get it. 

MOM: See honey, it’s not so bad. 

TEENAGER: Yes it is! She won’t even talk to me now; all of her friends are teasing her! One even poked her with a pin to try and deflate her. 

TERRORIST: (suddenly breaks into heavy accented sobbing)

TEENAGER: (still looking at phone) Woah buddy! What’s going on? 

MOM: Honey, leave the man alone. 

TERRORIST: (pulls himself together) I know how you feel, boy. I too had a lover once. But my mother did not approve. 

TEENAGER: (finally looks away form phone) what happened?

TERRORIST: (sobbing once more) she became hundreds of pieces. 

*baby starts crying* mother and terrorist turn to the baby. Teen looks at phone again.

A moment passes…Suddenly all freeze, baby stops crying. Terrorist stands, composed.

TERRORIST (Lights down, spotlight shines on terrorist who speaks to audience): It is now time that I explained what is going on. I have been tasked to hijack the plane and fly it into the biggest building I can find, killing everyone. I am a messenger form god; I will kill the infidels and their inflatable womens! 

TERRORIST sits… everything starts moving for a moment, baby starts crying. Then everything stops again, and the TERRORIST stands again.

TERRORIST (to audience): It is not my choice. I must make my family proud, like my brother. Everyone knows his name; he achieved greatness with his life. I must follow in his footsteps and kill the inflatable women's and all those who inflate them. 

Everyone starts moving.

CAPTAIN (Over loudspeaker): Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern

Baby starts crying. Flight attendant approaches.

ATTENDANT: Can I help you all with anything? Can I get you a drink?

TERRORIST: Yes, please. I would like a bottle of Vodka.

ATTENDANT: Very good, and for the Ms.’s?

MOM: On, I’m not his wife. But the baby and I will have the same.

ATTENDANT: And for the young man?

TEENAGER: (looking at phone) I’ll have water, thanks.

ATTENDANT: all very good choices, I’ll be back with your drinks momenterally.

Pause... Pause becomes awkward... Pause becomes painful as the TERRORIST and MOM look up at each other at the same time.

TEENAGER: (Completely oblivious to the awkwardness and still looking at his phone) Hey mom, can I get a dirt bike?

MOM: A dirt bike? Sweetie, what the fuck would you ever do with a dirt bike? I mean, come on. We live in LA.

TEENAGER: (looking at phone) I thought I could at least ask.

MOM: Honey, how do you expect to get into heaven when you are always doing Devil’s work?

TEENAGER: (looks up form phone and yells): Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, come in or stay out!' Plus, I’m not doing Devil’s work! I just want to have fun.

MOM: Honey, fun in the Devil’s work. What is the number one rule?

TEENAGER: ‘If it’s fun it’s a sin.’ I know mom.

TERRORIST (mumbles): And I thought I had strange religious practices… What right do I have to take these people’s lives?

MOM: Excuse me?

TERRORIST (flight attendant approaches with drinks): It is my religions belief that I must kill the infidels, but to me you do not seem like infidels.

MOM: Why thank you! I have never really associated with that group of people.

ATTENDANT: Sr. I am going to have to ask you to come with me.

TERRORIST: Absolutely, am I the winner of the in flight cheese buffet?

ATTENDANT (astounded): No, you have been selected for a random in flight security check.

TERRORIST: How dare you insinuate that I am a terrorist!

ATTENDANT: What don’t you understand about random, if you do not subject to the search you will have to be ejected off the plane.

TERRORIST: I can’t believe this injustice! I refuse to be subjected to this “random” search.

ATTENDANT: Very well, please check that your seatbelt is securely fashioned.

TERRORIST: Wait, what do you mea—

Terrorist is secured by wrists and ankles by his chair.

ATTENDANT: Please feel free to breath, but for no other reason should you open your mouth for the duration of the—

CAPTAIN (Over Loudspeaker): Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. Last one off the plane has to clean it. *scrambling sound*

Everyone rushes off stage. Terrorist is left in chair very confused.