United Airlines

by Rachel Chernick

Characters:

EMILY

PAUL

MATT

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

PERSON SITTING IN FRONT OF PAUL

EMILY is anal and ignorant.

PAUL is brutally honest.

MATT is your average nice guy, slightly overweight, and sitting in between Paul and Emily.

SETTING: Emily, Matt, and Paul are sitting next to each other on an airplane. Emily is sitting in the window seat, Matt in the middle and Paul in the isle.

“Thank you for flying with us on United, we hope you enjoy your flight. If there is anything we can do to make your flight more enjoyable, please don’t hesitate to let us know.”

PAUL: Jesus Christ I have absolutely no leg room.

EMILY pulls down her suitcase and gets out three large pink pillows which are pushed up against MATT. Emily starts breathing really deeply with a look of disgust on her face.

EMILY: Do you smell that? (She sniffs and looks around skeptically. She pulls out her purse and whips out a bottle of perfume.)

MATT: uh… I don’t smell anything.

EMILY sniffs the seat in front of her, then the window and then MATT.

MATT: excuse me?

EMILY: I’m sorry but your foul stench is nauseating.

(EMILY sprays MATT with multiple pumps of perfume. Still panicing)

PAUL: What the fuck is that smell? It smells like my grandmothers house back in 1985 when she was in love.

(Plane starts moving)

EMILY: (starts breathing very hard again, says quietly then gets louder) Oh God, Oh God, Oh GOD!

PAUL: What the hell is your problem? Calm down.

EMILY: (Still breathing deeply) I don’t like flying.

PAUL: You’re on an airplane for Christ’s sake. You should just fuckin driven if you’re that scared. And we’re still on the ground. Calm yourself.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (comes by with cart full of cold beverages) Can I get you guys something?

PAUL: You know I haven’t gotten my tetanus shot yet this year, so you could get me that. I need a new air conditioner so that’d be great. Oh and if I could have a blunt that’d be great too. (he puts his hand on hers and grins menacingly) I haven’t been laid in a few weeks either…

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (uncomfortably, snatching her hand away) ummm I’m sorry sir but I was asking about beverages.

PAUL: well you could of said that. I’ll have a diet coke. I gotta watch the calories if you know what I mean. I…

EMILY: Diet soda is bad for you. It is filled with formaldehyde. I’ll have a water with exactly four ice cubes and one napkin. Fill it exactly 1/8 of an inch to the brim. Thanks.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (looking at Matt) and for you sir.

MATT: I’ll have a regular coke please.

PAUL: Uh uh. (PAUL shakes his head. Says to the FLIGHT ATTENDANT) He should have diet. Look at that gut!

MATT: (touches his gut, blushing and embarrassed) I guess I’ll have diet then.

PAUL: So where are you from? (slapping MATT’s thigh)

MATT: Me?

PAUL: Yes you, the one with the gut. Where are you from?

MATT: New York, and you?

PAUL: I hate New York. I’m from Texas.

EMILY: Do you realize how many homeless people there are in New York?

MATT: Actually yes, in fact I work at a homeless shelter serving meals on the weekends. I really enjoy…

EMILY: Ew… I mean… that’s great. I guess someone has to do it. They really should stop being lazy, get off those streets and get a job though. I mean they just like sit on the sidewalks and you know… they like smell… and you know… get in the way. And like they ask me for money. I heard some of them make like a thousand dollars everyday that way. And it’s a fucking recession. Because of them daddy could only give me $850 instead of $900 for this month’s allowance.

MATT rolls his eyes

PAUL: you’re fucking ignorant.

EMILY: Oh yeah? Well you’re ignorable.

PAUL: You know what? Maybe you should just stop talking!

EMILY and PAUL get in each other’s faces, directly over MATT, who is forced back in his seat.

MATT: wow, wow, cool it you two! (The two go back to their normal positions, arms crossed. After three minutes of intense awkwardness MATT asks EMILY) Are you in sch…

EMILY: ummmmm… Montana state university specializing in gynecology with an emphasis in women’s rights. I am sick of women’s suffrage. Women’s suffrage needs to end. We have experienced so much more suffrage than men and I am going to put an end to it. I mean geez its like the millennium century!

MATT and PAUL look at each other and roll their eyes.

PAUL: Do you know what suffrage means? Find a dictionary. (paul pushes his call button)

PAUL: Jesus Christ. This plane has no leg room. He kicks the seat in front of him then taps the shoulder of the man in front of him.

PERSON IN FRONT OF PAUL: (irritated) Can I help you?

PAUL: You need to move.

PERSON IN FRONT OF PAUL: move?

PAUL: You need to move your seat forward my legs are cramping.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Hello, sir. How are you today?

PAUL: Terrible! Jesus Christ the person in front of me is a complete bone head. The young lady sitting next to the guy with the gut has never walked outside before, and I need more leg room…

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (cutting him off) I’m sorry sir. But I am not sure what you want me to do to fix the situation.

PAUL: All this and WE HAVEN’T FUCKIN LEFT YET!!!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: There has been a slight problem with….

EMILY: (Panicing) Problem there’s a problem? What’s the problem? Oh my God we’re all gonna die. Is there something you’re not telling us?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am everything will be fine. You are going to be okay. There has been a slight delay with the bad weather in Maryland; planes are backed up. We should be in the air as soon as possible.

(Flight attendant exits)

EMILY starts sniffing the window then the seat in front of her then Matt again. Do you smell that?

PAUL: Smell what? Jesus Christ!

EMILY: It. Smells. Like. Toe jam. She nervously pulls out her perfume and sprays all objects around her including MATT.

MATT: (flinging) Excuse me, could you please not do that?

EMILY: Do what?

PAUL: What is that God awful stench?

EMILY: It’s liquid love fairies. It makes everything smell magical. Daddy bought it for me for $69.95, plus shipping and handling.

PAUL: Well it smells terrible.

EMILY: Does not. It is clinically proven to make things smell good and clear nasal passages of odor, such as yours. They use it in my yoga studio. It’s like febreeze for the affluent. Obviously you have an STD or some kind of nose disease.

MATT: I think smell is subjective. And how does this have anything to do with STDs?

EMILY: Smelling Things Differently. Hello?

PAUL: Anyone who likes that smell should get their nose checked. And I’m almost positive that is not what an STD is.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (Over the intercom) I am very sorry for the delay folks. We will now be making our way towards the runway and should be in the air in the next few minutes. Please make sure those seatbelts are securely fastened.

PAUL: finally!!!

EMILY: Oh God, oh God, oh God. (Breathing even more deeply now) I think I need to throw up!

MATT: It’s going to be okay. I promise.

EMILY: How do you know? You don’t know that! You do not know that!

PAUL: Jesus Christ. Calm down woman!

Three babies suddenly start to cry. EMILY leans over and pukes all over MATT’s lap. MATT then suddenly is shaken awake. He finds himself still in the terminal being shaken by PAUL and EMILY.

PAUL and EMILY: Sir, you are going to miss your flight.

THE END