Dead Men Tell No Tales

by Sally Castillo

Cast of Characters:

TODD: An easily stressed man.

BERNARDO: Todd’s roommate. A little bit chubby.

MILTON: An accountant who looks, speaks, and acts exactly like an accountant.

NANCY: A mourning widow.

HOBO: A hobo with a grudge.

Setting:

Inside a church. An open casket sits upstage, center, surrounded by flowers. Soft, mournful music plays in the background. A table with hors d’oeuvres is on stage right. About 20 people mill around the room, talking softly to each other. A woman dressed in traditional mourning garb is receiving a fair amount of attention.

***

At rise, we see TODD, formally dressed in a black suit and tie standing center stage and holding a glass of champagne. He is alone, tapping his foot and occasionally checking his watch, obviously waiting for someone, and getting impatient. MILTON, wearing a tweed suit with patches over the arms, small spectacles, and a look of somber concentration approaches TODD and taps him on the shoulder, startling him.

MILTON: (very somber) Hello, Todd.

TODD: (jumps slightly) Oh, hi Milton. Wasn’t expecting to see you here.

MILTON: Can’t say I expected to see you either. How did you know Jerry?

TODD: Oh, we went way back. Played rugby together in high school. How about you?

MILTON: I’m his accountant. (Small pause) Well, I was.

Awkward silence. Neither man knows where to look, so they glance around the church, at the floor, anywhere but at each other. MILTON finally breaks the silence.

MILTON: So…I don’t know if you’ve paid your respects to Nancy yet…

TODD: Oh, no, I haven’t. I’m actually waiting for my roommate to get here. Nancy’s his boss, so we were going to go together.

As TODD speaks, enter BERNARDO, dressed in a pirate costume, complete with a raggedy hat and a stuffed parrot on his shoulder which, when squeezed, utters phrases such as “Ahoy there, Matey!” or “Shiver me timbers!”

TODD: He wanted me there with him, probably for moral – (sees BERNARDO) Oh, Jesus Christ. (He hurriedly walks over to BERNARDO, leaving MILTON behind, looking very confused. Eventually, MILTON wanders off to the food table. TODD pulls BERNARDO behind a pillar, out of view of the guests. Hissing:) What the hell are you wearing?

BERNARDO: (looking around, clearly confused) Why did everyone dress as accountants? Were we supposed to? Was there a memo?

TODD: (exasperated, frustrated, and confused all at once) What the hell are you talking about?

BERNARDO: Your costume. Everyone’s costume. You all dressed as accountants. (hurt) Why didn’t you tell me to dress as one too? Now I feel left out.

TODD: Bernardo, I’m not dressed in a costume, I’m dressed in a suit! We’re all dressed in suits!

BERNARDO: You didn’t wear a costume?

TODD: No! Of course not! Why would I?

BERNARDO (thinking the question is addressed to him and proud that he knows the answer) and TODD (exasperatedly answering his own question) together: It’s a wake!

Small silence. Each stares at the other for a minute.

TODD: Bernardo, what are you talking about? You don’t wear a costume to a wake!

BERNARDO: You don’t?

TODD: No! (pause) Do you even know what a wake is?

BERNARDO: (indignant) Well, I thought it was a costume party –

TODD: Oh God. No. No no no no no. This always happens with you. A wake is a funeral. A funeral. You do not wear a costume to a funeral. (Suddenly realizing that BERNARDO is, in fact, wearing a costume at a funeral) Oh God! You’re wearing a costume at a funeral!

BERNARDO: (looking down at himself, wondering why TODD is stating the obvious) Yeah…

TODD: (glancing around, anxious) We have to get you out of here! Before someone sees you!

BERNARDO: (suddenly worried) Do you think he could have followed me?

TODD: What?

BERNARDO: I ran away fast…

TODD: That doesn’t…what? You know what? Never mind. Let’s just get you out of here.

BERNARDO: What? But I still have to talk to Nancy!

TODD: No. No you do not. Trust me, you don’t even want Nancy to see you. What will she think?

BERNARDO: Well, I don’t know. I’m not a mind reader…

TODD: (getting frantic) She’ll think you’re disrespecting her dead husband, that’s what! And then she’ll fire you! And then you won’t have a paycheck and we won’t be able to pay the rent and they’ll evict us and we’ll have to live on the street (starts hyperventilating) and we’ll have to learn how to play drums for a living and we’ll live off of change from the rich people passing by… oh Christ!

BERNARDO: Her husband died?

TODD: Yes, you idiot! Her husband died! That’s why we’re at this wake! Because her husband died!

BERNARDO: Oh. I guess that’s why she was so sad this week.

TODD: (ready to strangle his roommate, trying to sound calm) Okay. She hasn’t seen you yet. We’re in a pretty inconspicuous corner. Let’s try and get you out of here.

BERNARDO: But I have to talk to Nancy!

TODD: Bernardo, I already explained this. You do not want to talk to Nancy because she will see you in your costume and will think that you are disrespecting her dead husband and will then fire you!

BERNARDO: But if I don’t talk to her she’ll think I didn’t come and she said that she expected everyone at the office to be here!

TODD: Oh shit. (long pause). You’re fired either way. (another long pause. Throwing up his hands in an “I give up” gesture:) Fine! We’ll live on the street!

BERNARDO: (quietly) Couldn’t I just change?

TODD: What?

BERNARDO: Couldn’t I just change?

TODD: Change?

BERNARDO: Yes. Change. So I look like an accountant.

TODD: (I’m saved!) Yes! Yes! You can change! Bernardo, have I ever told you how brilliant you are? You’re brilliant! You’re amazing! (embracing him, almost crying with relief) God, I love you!

BERNARDO hugs him back, enjoying the attention. After a few moments, they break apart. BERNARDO is extremely content, TODD has returned to thinking.

TODD: So, where’s your change of clothes?

BERNARDO: My change of clothes?

TODD: Yes. The suit you were going to change into?

BERNARDO: Suit? I don’t have a suit.

TODD: Then how are you going to change?

BERNARDO: I thought maybe I could borrow your suit?

TODD: My suit? (He self-consciously smoothes his beloved suit and uncomfortably straightens his tie). I…well…I… Well, I have to go talk to Nancy too! If I don’t pay my respects, what will she think? I’ve been here for half an hour! She’ll think it’s strange if I leave without saying a word to her!

BERNARDO: Oh. Then what should I do?

TODD: (begins pacing, thinking) I don’t know, I don’t know. (stops pacing) Bernardo! (lightly smacks his arm) Help me think!

Both men think in silence for a minute. BERNARDO stares around absently while TODD walks in a circle, muttering to himself.

BERNARDO: Could I use someone else’s suit?

TODD stops walking.

TODD: Someone else’s suit?

BERNARDO: Yes. Like one of the other guest’s. (He motions to the other mourners).

TODD: But whose would you use? It’s not like we know anyone – (he stops midsentence, thinking.) Wait right there.

TODD shoves BERNARDO well behind the pillar, then walks off, looking for MILTON. The entire time the two have been talking, MILTON has been walking around the stage alone, eating food and drinking champagne. He is confused as to where TODD went, but has tried to appear as if he doesn’t care that a man left him in the middle of a conversation. TODD approaches him near the food table.

TODD: (whispering) Milton, could I ask a favor?

MILTON: A favor?

TODD: Yes. A really huge favor that could save my roommate his job.

MILTON: Well…I don’t know. What is it?

TODD: I’ll show you. (He takes MILTON by the arm and drags him across the room to the pillar where BERNARDO is still hiding. MILTON is quite shocked to see a pirate at a funeral, but tries to hide it). I need you to lend Bernardo your suit.

MILTON: My…my suit?

TODD: Yes, your suit.

MILTON eyes BERNARDO, who is several inches taller and much wider than he. He fingers his suit.

MILTON: I don’t know…

TODD: I’ll give you five hundred dollars.

MILTON: Five hundred….?...

TODD: Wonderful! So glad you agreed! Bernardo, go change!

He shoves each man offstage, puts his hands in his pockets, and walks through the church, waiting for BERNARDO and trying to look nonchalant. He passes people, giving them short, quick smiles and exchanges some polite words. He accidentally walks into one woman and apologizes profusely, promising that it won’t happen again. Finally, BERNARDO emerges in MILTON’s suit, which is obviously much too small for him. MILTON, now dressed in the pirate’s costume, comes reluctantly after, enters after a few feet, then hides behind the pillar.

TODD: Hey, Milton! You don’t look too bad! I especially like the hat. Come on, Bernardo. Let’s go talk to Nancy.

MILTON opens his mouth to speak as the two men begin to walk away, but can’t think of anything to say. BERNARDO looks uncomfortable.

BERNARDO: Uh…Todd… about the hat…

TODD: (impatiently) What?

BERNARDO: Ummm…there’s something that I kinda need to tell you.

TODD: Can it wait?

BERNARDO: Not really…

TODD: (sigh, let’s get this over with) Okay. What is it?

BERNARDO: Well, see, on the way over I saw this hat lying on the ground –

NANCY approaches, interrupting BERNARDO.

NANCY: Bernardo, Todd, thank you so much for coming.

TODD: (beaming alarmingly) Nancy! We were just going to talk to you. (He gently places an arm on her shoulder, trying his best to be comforting.) How are you holding up?

NANCY: Day by day. Day by day.

TODD: Well, we’re both keeping you in our prayers.

NANCY: (tears in her voice) I can’t thank you enough. It’s just so nice to see everyone here, paying their respects to Jerry. He was such a wonderful man… excuse me. (She takes a handkerchief out of her purse and wipes her eyes.) It just makes me so happy to see that he was so loved.

As NANCY talks, enter HOBO, dressed in very dirty, ragged clothes. He is clutching a bag which clanks when it moves and carries a big walking stick. He looks very angry. He begins walking through the crowd, rudely shoving people out of his way. He is creating a stir, but NANCY remains oblivious, lost in her grief. BERNARDO, however, notices right away.

BERNARDO: Todd… (pulls on his sleeve)

TODD: (hissing) Bernardo, not now!

NANCY: He was so gentle and kind and loving. I just can’t believe that he’s gone…

BERNARDO: Todd, I need to tell you something….

NANCY: I got a letter from his daughter yesterday. The sweetest note I’ve ever read. She’s such a wonderful girl. Treated me like her real mother. She’s stricken with grief too, of course, but she still thought to write. She’s so sweet that way. I invited her over for tea….

As she talks, BERNARDO continues to try and get TODD’s attention while TODD decidedly ignores him.

NANCY: I just don’t know what we’re going to do without him. He was such a good man…

HOBO: (seeing MILTON and running to him) You!

The shout brings dead silence to the church. NANCY stops talking, BERNARDO stops pulling on TODD’s sleeve, TODD stops fending him off. Everyone freezes and stares at the corner where the HOBO is confronting MILTON.

MILTON: (frightened, squeaks:) M-M-Me??

HOBO: You’re the asshole that stole my hat!

BERNARDO: Todd, I was trying to tell you…

MILTON: (still squeaky) What?

TODD: Bernardo, what did you do?

HOBO: You passed by me on the street, dressed like a fucking fruitcake, and stole my hat! It was lying right next to me and you just picked it up!

MILTON: I really don’t remember this…

HOBO: And then I yelled at you to give it back and you fucking ran away!

TODD: Bernardo!

BERNARDO: I didn’t know it was his! And then he yelled at me and I got scared!

MILTON: (getting frantic) I didn’t steal your hat! I swear, it wasn’t me!

HOBO: You’re wearing it!

TODD: Oh Christ…

HOBO tries to punch MILTON. MILTON flinches and covers his face. Luckily, the HOBO doesn’t have very good aim, and ends up punching the parrot instead, which squawks “Dead men tell no tales!” MILTON bolts.

The squawk seems to knock everyone out of their trance. NANCY cries “Dear me!” and there are several cries of “What is this?” and “Who is that guy?” People rush toward the HOBO, who is now chasing MILTON around the church. Amid the confusion, TODD grabs BERNARDO and drags him to the food table. They hide under it, and watch the chaos. Milton runs in circles around the church, the HOBO close behind waving his stick, bag clanking with every step. Both characters are in shock.

TODD: Bernardo, I swear, sometimes I just don’t know what to do with you.

BERNARDO: Todd, can we go home now?

TODD: Yes. Yes, I think we’d better go home.

The two begin to sneak across the stage as a swarm of people finally catch the HOBO, pinning him to the floor as he continues to yell obscenities. MILTON, glancing over his shoulder to see if he is safe, runs straight into NANCY who takes in his costume for a moment, then faints to the floor. Lights down on a scene of utter confusion: people dragging the HOBO offstage, MILTON frantically trying to revive NANCY with his hat, and BERNARDO and TODD exiting on the other side of the stage, unnoticed.