One Fine Day

by Ashley Ahwah

MIKE: Kidnapper who needs money before having his storage space taken away, and his comic book collection thrown away.  He is germaphobic and hates children because they are always dirty.  He wears a fanny pack at all times that is fully equipped with hand sanitizer, “Lysol” sanitizing wipes, latex gloves, and chapstick.

DAHLILA: 6 year-old girl who is kidnapped in a park.  She is excessively talkative and has an imaginary friend named Charlie.

LIFE INSURANCE AGENT: Man who won’t award Mike with enough money to save his storage space.  Dahlila’s father.

(Agent is behind desk at insurance company, reviewing Mike’s late wife’s insurance claim, while Mike nervously awaits the news.  Mike applies hand sanitizer every 30 seconds while waiting.)

****

LIFE INSURANCE AGENT: Mr. Winfrey, after careful review of your wife’s claim, we are able to provide you with the amount of $100,000.

MIKE: That doesn’t make sense.  I should be getting more money.  This is bullshit; there must be some kind of mistake.

LIFE INSURANCE AGENT:  I’m awfully sorry, I wish there was something else I could do.  Given the circumstances of you’re wife’s abrupt death, she didn’t qualify for the full amount of the life insurance claim.

MIKE (applying hand sanitizer): Laughing is not an unusual cause of death in America nowadays.  Approximately 12% of deaths in the last 5 years have had laughing involved in the cause of death.  I looked it up and everything. (Mike pulls out laminated copies of articles on the Internet).  See here’s all the proof you need.

LIFE INSURANCE AGENT (pretends to read the articles, and tries to hand them back to Mike.): This is very thorough work Mr. Winfrey.

MIKE: Oh that copy’s for you.  It’s contaminated with your germs, and I don’t know where your hands have been.  I mean you could have dropped your watch in the toilet and stuck your hand in to get it out,  Your fingernails are filthy and it’s really uncomfortable for me to sit her and watch you.  No no, you keep that, don’t bring it or you anywhere near me. (Mike applies hand sanitizer again, and takes a puff of his inhaler for anxiety reasons).

LIFE INSURANCE AGENT:  Okay, well like I said before, there’s no way we’re giving you the amount of money that you’re looking for.

MIKE: Please sir, I need that money to pay the rent for my storage space.  It’s already late, and if I don’t pay it they’re going to take my comics away.  I can’t let them take my Fuggly Wuggly comics away from me.  They’re limited editions.

LIFE INSURANCE AGENT:  I’m sorry sir, there’s absolutely nothing I can do.  My hands are tied.

****

Mike Winfrey is walking home when he sees the Life Insurance Agent drive by him going in the same direction.  Mike follows him to a nearby neighborhood with a park and finds him hugging a young girl.  The agent gets back in the car and parks in the driveway of a nearby house, then goes inside.  The young girl goes inside the bathroom, and Mike follows.   Mike stands at bathroom entrance and is disgusted by the putrid stench and flies clinging to the walls and flying above.

MIKE: Oh my. What is this place?! (Mike reaches into his fanny pack and pulls out his  portable air freshener.  He raises it into the air and crazily sprays around his head.)

DAHLILA (hears Mike and comes out the bathroom stall to wash her hands):  Hello. What’s you’re name? I’m Dahlila, but my friends call me D, I don’t know why though, Dahlila is a very nice name, I like being called Dahlila a little more, but I guess my friends are a little slow in the head, so D’s easier to say.  (Dahlila turns to the sink but there’s no running water so she turns back around.)

MIKE: Um, hi I’mMike.

 DAHLILA: Hi Mike, it’s nice to meet you. (Dahlila reaches out her hand to shake with Mike.  Mike stares awkwardly at her unwashed hands.)  You know my daddy always says it’s nice to shake hands with people you meet.  I used to not want to do it, but I got used to it after shaking hands  with a bunch of old people.  They were around your age actually, the old people.  How old are you? I’m eight years old, well actually 8 years, 3 days, 5 hours, 2 minutes, and 33 seconds, but my dad says just to say that I’m eight cause it’s easier for you old people to understand.  So how old are you? Why aren’t you shaking my hand?  You know that’s not very polite. (Dahlila’s face gets very serious.)

MIKE:  Your hands are filthy, there’s germs all over this place, I don’t want to shake your hand.

DAHLILA: (her face changes from serious to sad, and she begins pouting.)  Why won’t you shake my hand?  I want you to shake my hand!  I’m going to tell my daddy, and he’s going to take all your money away because he’s powerful like that.  Just wait until I get home, across the street. (Dahlila begins stomping her feet as she walks towards the exit of the bathroom.)

MIKE: No, no! You can’t go to your house, your dad’s not home anymore.  If you come with me then I can take you to him.  But first we have to clean you up. (Mike pulls out his hand sanitizer and pours a significant amount into Dahlila’s hands.)

DAHLILA: Iiiccckkk, that’s super cold and smushy.  I don’t like it one bit. What do I do now, it’s all slimy?

MIKE: You’re supposed to rub your hands together like you’re washing your hands.

DAHLILA: (quickly cleans her hands and whips them through the wind, splashing Mike with hand sanitizer in the process.) Ok all done, now where’s my daddy?

MIKE:  Hop in my van and we can go.

DAHLILA: OK, can Charlie come?

MIKE: Who’s Charlie?

DAHLILA: Uh duh, he’s been here this entire time.  He’s standing right next to me silly goose. (she points to her left, then holds hands with the air.)

MIKE: (his eyes bulge wondering why children are so imaginative) Yeah he can come I guess, but you guys have to be really quiet.

DAHLILA: OOOOOO are we sneaking out of here, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.  My friends Rachel and Lily are on the swings right now.  But maybe I can tell them I’m playing hide and seek, and then we can sneak out of here.

Mike: Okay, just shout out the bathroom to your friends

DAHLILA: (screams) Hey Lily, Rachel, let’s play hide and seek.  I’ll hide first and you guys count to 300.  No cheating Rachel!

MIKE: (grabs Dahlila by the hand) Let’s run.

****

Mike, Dahlila and Charlie quickly make their way to Mike’s van across the street.  Opening the sliding door, Dahlila climbs in and buckles her seatbelt immediately, and then turns to buckle the seat next to her, for Charlie.  Mike reaches into the center console of the car and pulls out a pack of antiseptic wipes.

DAHLILA: Eeew, I hate that stuff.  My mommy says she used to use those icky things to wipe my booty whenever I went poop in my diaper.  Why do you have those, you’re not a baby?  Oh but Charlie should use one, he had his hand in the toilet earlier after I went pee.  I yelled at him for doing that, but he started crying, so I didn’t make him clean them up.

MIKE:  (rolling his eyes), you’re filthy “D”.  I need to wipe you clean, or we can’t go anywhere.

DAHLILA:  I don’t want the cold smelly wipe on me.  Don’t touch me with that.  You’re weird you know that.  What’s wrong with you, why do you wear that thing around your waist (pointing to his fanny pack).  What do you have in there anyways?  You got any candy?  My favorite’s Sour Patch Kids, especially when I first put them in my mouth and make a sourpuss face, or that’s what my mommy says I do at least.  What’s your favorite kind of candy?  I know Charlie’s is Tootsie Roll Pops because he always tries to see how many licks it takes to get to the center.  His record so far is 134 licks.  Even my tongue can’t even last for that long.  It’s amazing.  He can show you if you want.  You got one of those lollipops?  He only likes the orange kind though, so do you have that kind?  I like the red kind, because red’s my favorite color.  My room’s red too, and my mommy always buys me red clothes.  I always wear my red rose dress to Church every Sunday though.  It’s my favorite.  My mommy even sometimes lets me wear her red-hot lipstick when she gets ready for parties with my daddy.  Do you have a favorite color?  Is it black, because that’s what you’re wearing, and most people wear their favorite color? 

MIKE:  I don’t want to talk about this.   Why don’t we play a little game.  It’s called Silence.  Do you know the rules?  (Dahlila shakes her head ‘NO’).  It’s when two people try and be as quiet as possible, and they aren’t allowed to talk.  The first person to talk loses.

DAHLILA: Sounds boring, but I guess I can play.  I always win boring games, they’re so easy.

MIKE: Ok well ready, set, GO!

DAHLILA: (giggles) Wait I wasn’t ready, lets start again.  Sorry, you have to give me a practice run anyways, otherwise it’s not fair.

MIKE: (rolls his eyes, closes the van door shut and then hastily walks to the driver’s door, gets inside and starts the engine.) Ok, I’ll give you ten seconds to release any giggles and comments you want to make, but when I say ‘zero’ you will zip your lips and throw away the key.

DAHLILA: Technically you can’t zip your lips with a key.  It’s either zip your lips with a zipper or lock your lips and throw away the key, but not a combination.  Incase you didn’t know.  So are we going to play this game or what?  And what do I get if I win?  I want something sparkly and red.  Of course it has to be red though because that’s my favorite color.  Did I tell you that’s my favorite color?  It’s all I talk about, or at least that’s what my BFF Kayla says.  We have kindergarten together in the mornings, then she gives me a ride home with my daddy goes to work.  She’s pretty awesome.  We’ve been BFF’s since we were 5 years old.  That’s a whole year you know? I can’t even count that many days on my fingers.  I can’t even count that many days period!  How many days is a whole year anyways? (Mike rolls his eyes with frustration and opens his mouth to answer) Are we going to play this game or what, I’m getting bored.  

MIKE: Are you done talking, or do I need to give you ten more seconds to collect yourself?

DAHLILA: Ten more seconds please. (Dahlila smiles as Mike peers into the rear view mirror)

MIKE: Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One.

DAHLILA  (overlapping with Mike while he counts down. Dahlila talks as fast as possible):  Ok so this car smells really weird, and this cushion is really uncomfortable for my bum.  I don’t think Charlie likes it much either.  Can we move?  Can you turn something on the radio please, it’s really not fun when all you hear the the cars all around and I don’t want to have to make something up in my head because we’re about to play a game where we can’t talk!

MIKE: ZERO! THE GAME STARTS NOW!

Dahlila shuts her mouth tight and takes her right hand and makes a motion across her mouth that signals she is closing her mouth and locking it shut.  She takes the imaginary key and throws it behind her right shoulder.  The car ride remains quiet for about 60 seconds so far, so Mike decides to turn on the radio.

RADIO: “I look to my right and I see the Hollywood sign, this is all so crazy, everyone seems so famous. Jump in a cab feeling kind of homesick, too much pressure and I’m nervous.  Then the taximan turned on the radio and a Jay-Z song was on, and a Jay-Z song was on, and a Jay-Z song was on! So I put my----”

DAHLILA (overlapping): So I put my hands up, playing my song, butterflies flying away.  Nodding my head like ‘yeah’, movin’ my hips like ‘yeah’.  So I put my hand up playing my song, knowing it’ll be ok. Yeah-a-yeah-a-yeah it’s a Party in the USA! Oh my gosh it’s Miley Cyrus! I love her.  She’s totally my favorite singer and I love this song,  I memorized all the lyrics.  Do you want to hear it?  Here, start the song over again and I’ll sing it all for you. (Mike doesn’t move his hands from the steering wheel.  Instead, his grip tightens from frustration, and he slams the radio power button so it turns off.)  Hey, what’d you do that for? That was really mean.  Oh well, I know the words so me and Charlie can just sing it without the music. Ready Charlie, “Hopped off the plane at LAX with the dream and my cardigan--”

MIKE (interrupting): Stop talking! Don’t you ever just shut up! You are the most annoying person I have ever met.  You talk so much it’s nauseating.  I can’t stand you.

DAHLILA: (not stunned by Mike’s outburst)  What does nau-see-ate-ing mean?  That’s such a bigt word I can’t even say it right!

MIKE: AHHHHH!!! (He is so frustrated he makes an illegal U-turn and speeds all the way back to Dahlila’s neighborhood.  He is sweating and panting with frustration, that he reaches for his anxiety inhaler.  He takes two puffs.)

DAHLILA:  Are we going home already?  But we just left.  I don’t want to go home yet, I was having so much fun.

Mike halts his van in front of Dahlila’s house, right as the Life Insurance Agent and his wife open the door to get Dahlila from the park.  They have no idea she has been taken, and are shocked to find her being taken from the van. Mike stomps Dahlila to the front porch and sets her down in front of her parents.

MIKE: Your daughter is the most annoying, pestering, immature, talkative, messiest child I have ever had an encounter with.  I took her in order to get a ransom from you and maybe hope to save my Fuggly Wuggly Comic collection from being taken away, but this is not worth it.  She i the worst child I have ever had to deal with so here she is.  You can have her back!

Before the parents can say anything, Mike turns and stomps away back to his van.  He tries to being the engine, but it won;t start.  Meanwhile, a police car had followed Mike back to Dahlila’s home because of the violation he performed when he made an illegal U-turn.

DAHLILA: Daddy?  Can I have a play-date with him soon.  He’s really fun!