Therapy

by Ivan Ackley

Characters: Howard, the therapist

John, the 1^st patient

Mr. Dewault, the 2^nd patient

Amber & Steve, the couple

(Scene 1: Darkly furnished room, burgundy drapes. The only light comes from an old lamp on an oak table next to a overstuffed, high-back leather armchair. Therapist, Howard Green, sits in leather armchair. Patient, John, sits across from him. The two are at the beginning of their session.)

HOWARD: So, what’s on your mind?

JOHN: Well it’s a big day for me. Thirty days clean and sober. I haven’t touched a drop of booze. Everyday is a struggle, but the more time passes the easier it gets, and these therapy sessions are already starting to help me

HOWARD: That’s great! I’m so glad to hear that.

JOHN: My wife has agreed to consider letting me move back in her, and last week I found a job. I’m getting to all my A.A. meetings, and I get off probation next month. Things are really looking up, Howard.

HOWARD: Wonderful! Well, I think this calls for a special celebration! (He takes out two shot glasses and a fifth of Stoli.)

JOHN: Isn’t this a little… inappropriate? I mean, I just said I was clean and sober! I can’t even be near alcohol! It’s too tempting.

HOWARD: Oh relax, just take a shot! Come on, what’s one shot going to do

JOHN: Limiting an alcoholic to one shot, is like limiting a overeater to one plate at the Home Town Buffet. (Pouring the vodka; obviously not listening.)

HOWARD: Cheers! To, what did you say? Something 30 days? Whatever that means…

JOHN: I’m getting out of here. Good riddance! I will rise! And conquer! (He walks quickly out of the room, slamming the door shut.)

HOWARD: (To the audience) What was his problem, huh?

(Lights fade. End Scene 1.)

Scene 2: Same office. New patient, Mr. Dewault, is sitting in the patient’s chair.

MR. DEWAULT: Doctor! Fix me! My life is a mess!!!

HOWARD: Please, sit down Mr. Dewault. Tell me your troubles.

MR. DEWAULT: I don't know where to start. I used to be the happiest guy on earth. Now my world has turned up on itself.

HOWARD: Hm…how so?

MR. DEWAULT: Im stuck in a downward spiral…My wife left me this morning. She said I’m nothing but a loser. I lost all of our savings at the horse track. I thought it was a sure thing. My bookie friend told me to put it all on Bananas. Said it was a guaranteed thing. Just my luck Bananas came in dead last.

HOWARD: You shoulda put your money on Aces.

MR. DEWAULT: Excuse me?

HOWARD: Shoulda put your money on Aces, that's what I did. Tripled my money. Anyways, continue.

MR. DEWAULT: Um…okay…anyways when she found out about the money I lost, she said it was over. She couldn't handle it anymore. We’ve been growing farther and farther apart lately, but I think the last straw was when she caught me going to a strip club. Not jut once but I had been “working late” quite a lot in the past few months. Well she checked my credit card bill, and found out I had been going to Sparky’s strip joint about three times a week-

HOWARD: You go to Sparky’s?!? How come I’ve never seen you there before?

MR. DEWAULT: I-I….well I’ll be damned!

HOWARD: You know what, come to think of it, you look quite familiar!

MR. DEWAULT: We didn't get a lapdance next to eachother did we? Last Thursday…

HOWARD: We just might have! What a small world, Mr. Dewault. Just don't let MY wife know! (laughs)

MR. DEWAULT: And anyway, on top of that, this whole malpractice lawsuit is really stressing me out. I’ve been popping xanax like candy. (Pulls out an orange prescription bottle, unscrews the top, and pops a pill)

HOWARD: Tell me about it! I’ve been there done that.

MR. DEWAULT: I just feel like the pressure keeps on building, and building, and- Excuse me, but are you texting?

HOWARD (texting): Mhm, mhm. Tell me how you feel about that?

MR. DEWAULT: How do I feel about that? I feel offended you asshole! Im paying you eighty dollar an hour for this!

HOWARD: And I’m sure greatful for it! It sure helps out with the child support.

MR. DEWAULT: Who do you think you are? You prick! Everyday I put up with people like you!

(Lights fade end scene 2)

(Scene 3: Still in his office, Howard sits across from a young couple, Amber and Steve, Wife is crying loudly.)

AMBER: I just can’t stand you any more! You never spend enough time with me. All I do is sit at home and watch Oprah all day! You said you’d be home more often. You’re probably just out banging some other poor tramp.

STEVE: Amber, calm down. We’ve been over this. I work in a 9-5 office job; your dad is my boss. You can reach me on my cell phone AND work phone AND pager at any time you want.

AMBER: That doesn’t mean anything to me. If I know my dad, he’s probably taking you to the strip clubs.

STEVE: (To Howard) She’s out of her mind.

HOWARD: Hmm. So I see. So it seems as if trust is one of the main issues that you two deal with in your relationship, no?

AMBER: Yes. It’s like, I can’t even trust him to go to the grocery store without hitting on the bagging girl with huge tits!

HOWARD: Okay, let’s all just calm down and think of some sort of compromise. (He thinks for a second) I got it! How about you, Amber, get a GPS tracker installed in your husband.

STEVE: Um…And exactly how is that a compromise?

HOWARD: Seems reasonable to me.

AMBER: That is possibly the worst advice I have ever heard.

HOWARD: Trust me, I know what I’m talking about I’ve been married seven times. In fact, this sounds identical to the problem that I had with my 4^th wife, Lucinda. That was before the accident, of course, god rest her soul. (Husband and wife exchange unsure looks.)

HOWARD: Anyways, I’m sorta an expert on the whole “marriage thing.” It’s definitely a trial and error kind of deal. I mean hell, on wife number 5, who knew that you could make that many errors in one day! Right? But, in all seriousness, I learned from every one of them. Of course, that marriage ended in a complete disaster just like the rest, but she was just crazy. Women right? (He gives Husband a knowing look.)

HOWARD: Amen.

AMBER: Do you see this? This is how he treats me all the time. If it isn’t my hair it’s my makeup, never compliments, but critiques. I’m never good enough for him. So, obviously, the only I can do is force his sorry ass onto the couch, every night.

STEVE: She’s delusional. I always tell her how pretty she is.

HOWARD: I know! How about you buy a second couch, and you, Amber, sleep on it, so that everyone is equal. Problem solved.

AMBER: That’s stupid.

HOWARD: Now, Amber. We don’t use that word in this office. I believe that every idea is a good idea, especially mine!

STEVE: You know what sounds like a good idea to me? Kicking your ass!

HOWARD: And how does that make you feel?

STEVE: (Shouting) I just said! It makes me feel like kicking your ass! Are you completely deaf?!

HOWARD: Good job, Steve! We really seem to be getting to the root of the problem.

STEVE: You're the root of the problem!!! AAAAAH!!!

HOWARD: Oh jolly! I guess your cured then! I hope you two, have a wonderful marriage.

AMBER: Honey, let’s go. This man is crazier than we are.

(They walk out holding hands. Lights fade. End Scene 3.)