Crime Doesn’t Pay…For Some

by Michael Yep

Although many see crime as a very serious issue, sometimes it can be a bit humorous. Over time, there have been many crimes committed by the not-so-smart. Here are a few of them.

Suspect Calls 911 after Crashing Escape Vehicle

A burglar who had stolen five televisions from an electronics store was arrested after he called the police.

Robert Miller broke into Best Buy and successfully stole five brand-name LCD televisions Wednesday, March 4. Miller made his way down Shellmound Street until he crashed into a stoplight. Miller got out of his car and reported the accident to 911.

When Emeryville Police arrived at the scene, Sergeant Hernandez stated that “the scene looked perfectly normal until I opened the hatch to the van. There were several stolen TVs in the back.”

When asked about the stolen televisions, Miller admitted he had stolen them.

Man Caught With Puppies

A man who tried to smuggle puppies into the US was caught by authorities at California’s southern border. Andrew Wilson tried to trick border patrol by placing multiple puppies in cardboard boxes labeled CATS. The cats label prompted border agent Johnson to check the contents of the boxes. Johnson asked what was inside, and Wilson replied, “Cats.” Officer Johnson opened the boxes and found puppies. Wilson was arrested on account of the attempt to smuggle illegal items across the border.

Men Steal from Security Store

Police said two robbers struck a store in San Francisco that sells high-end security equipment. The whole incident was caught on tape by 15 cameras in the store.

The thieves broke into Mike’s Surveillance Gear Store in San Francisco, California last week.

“I’ve got them on no less than 15 cameras,” Mike said. “We’re a security business.” The many signs posted on the store should have warned the thieves that they would be caught by cameras.

Police reported that the two filled a garbage bin with $10,000 worth of surveillance equipment.

Burglar Mistakes Adding Machine for Cash Register

A man who tried to steal cash from a Krispy Kreme Doughnut shop fled with an adding machine that he apparently mistook for a cash register.

Authorities reported that an unidentified man walked into the store around 10:30 am. He handed the clerk a note saying that he had a gun and would use it if the worker called the police. The man proceeded to take an adding machine with no money drawers or compartments and walked outside to his car. The police reported that the man was never caught, but nothing was really stolen.

Man Steals Printer, Calls Tech Support

A printer used to make driver’s licenses and legal documents was stolen along with its computer last Sunday. The man tried to run the computer and print a fake driver’s license, but the computer was locked. He then called the manufacturer’s technical support line to access the computer. Digimarc agreed to send the man a fresh copy of the computer’s software, and thus received the man’s address.

Shortly after the phone call, authorities arrived at the doorsteps of the burglar and put him in jail. The man was sentenced to ten years in jail and a $250,000 fine.

Thief Stuck Inside Liquor Store

Police found a man inside a liquor store the morning of March 23. The thief, around 23, climbed up an escape ladder and broke through the roof earlier that morning. The man filled a duffle bag with various kinds of liquor and headed towards the door. He was not able to break the bullet-proof glass, and the ceiling was too high to escape through the hole he had made.

When the store clerk came to open the store, he called the police and reported an attempted robbery. Police showed up shortly after and arrested the suspect.

Safe Too Heavy For Criminal

Thief John Carter attempted a robbery last night at a local McDonald’s restaurant. Carter pried open the back door and headed straight for the office. There, he found the safe filled with thousands of dollars. Carter tried to lift the safe, but being 350 pounds, it was too heavy. He then slowly lifted it onto a chair and rolled the chair back towards the door. There was a small lip at the door, and Carter could not roll the chair any further. He dropped the safe on the ground and began rolling it towards his truck. Carter could not lift the safe up to the truck’s bed. He left it on the ground and pushed it with his car all the way home.

Authorities reported that the safe was missing and found scrape marks in the parking lot. Investigators followed the marks to Carter’s house. They found him inside along with the safe.

Two Men Knocked Out, Baseball Backfires

Two unidentified men tried to break through the window of a local electronics store. One man was facing away from the window making sure no one was looking. The other man was holding a baseball, the tool they used. The man threw the baseball as hard as he could against the Plexiglas. The ball bounced back and hit the other man in the head, and he fell unconscious. The remaining man picked up the baseball and threw it at the window again. This time, it came back into his own face and knocked him out.

The police reported an attempted robbery, and the men found themselves in jail when they woke up.

Pull, Not Push

An unidentified man tried to rob a bank yesterday. The man calmly walked up to one of the tellers and held a gun to her head. As he demanded money, another teller activated the security shield. The man rushed to the door and tried to push his way out. He mistakenly thought that he had been locked inside the bank. He tried to run at the door to break it, but nothing happened. Too bad he couldn’t read the sign that says, “Pull.”

Seconds later, an old lady walked into the bank and the man ran away. Police say that the man got away.

Show Me Your ID

Philip Anderson walked into a corner store last Friday and demanded the clerk to put all the cash from the register into his bag. When the clerk said no, Anderson pulled out a handgun and demanded again. This time, the clerk listened and placed all of the money into the bag.

After the bag was full, Anderson noticed a rare bottle of scotch behind the counter. He demanded the store clerk to put that in the bag also. The clerk refused and said that Anderson wasn’t over 21. Anderson argued that he indeed was over 21. The clerk didn’t believe him, so he asked for his ID. When Anderson pulled out his driver’s license, the clerk gave him the bottle of scotch as he was over 21. Anderson left with no one getting hurt.

The store clerk immediately called the police and gave the suspect’s name and address. Minutes later, police officers arrived at the door of Philip Anderson.

As you can see, crime should be left to the professional criminal who, despite not having a college or high school education, is smart enough to make a clean get-a-way.