Humor Unite

by Joel Ramirez

Jonny two toe was known for being a quick guy. Some people called him quick’s. Jonny although fast was also well known for his bad luck, an occasional fall and broken bones from time too time. He was a slim man, average looking, brown eyes, round mouth and a slim nose. He lived in an apartment complex, he`d fall at least twice a day going out. A neighbor once told him to buy rubber shoes so he wouldn’t have to visit the dentist. With his lousy luck his day wasn’t usually bright, until he stepped out of his apartment and saw her. Her name was Zara; she was the sun to his gloomy day. A beauty all on her own, silky dark skin, shapely body, and deep green eyes. He prayed not to embarrass himself in front her any time he stepped out of his apartment.

One day on a sunny Friday afternoon Jonny decided to finally ask Zara out to a date. She was in the court yard playing with the neighbor’s children. As Jonny approached them the ball they were playing with went under his foot. He fell down hard on his head, Zara ran to his side. As he gained sight of her lovely smile he let out a fart. His silly shocked face was only surpassed by his cherry shaded cheeks. She only giggled at his embarrassing act. He quickly got up, rubbed his and smiled.

“Hi Zara, how funny to run into you here.” Jonny said smiling.

“I see you like to make a dramatic entrance.” She said giggling. “What brings you out here?”

Jonny smiled nervously. “Actually I wanted to ask you if you would like to go on a date with me?”

“Jonny two toe I would love to go on a date with you.” She said.

“Great! How about tomorrow night? Theirs a restaurant that I you’ll love.”

“Ok. Sounds like a plan.” She said smiling. “You can call me to night to give me the details. I have to go to work now sorry.” She gave him a kiss on the cheek. He waved at her goodbye and at that moment a bird squeezed one out all over his shirt.

The next day was a slow one for Jonny. He paced around his apartment were he knocked over every other object he passed by. He got dressed in a stylish button up with a matching shoes and jean pants. He had tried on an expensive shirt given to him by his parents but the pasta he was eating for breakfast had fell and ruin it. Jonny couldn’t sit still because of his anxiety to see her. He had three hours before his date; he wouldn’t be able to last that long being stuck at home. So he decided to go out and see what his friends are doing to kill time.

As he was walking down the stairs to the lobby Ms. Chen his neighbor asked for some help. Having time to kill he agreed to help.

“You see I lost my pet rabbit, it must have escaped my apartment when I tried to dye its fur.” She said laughing.

“Ok, sounds easy enough. But why would you want to dye your rabbit’s fur?” Jonny asked curelessly.

“Oh yes, its because I’m repainting my apartment to a lovely pink and I want everything to match.” She said leveling.

Jonny imagined Ms. Chen’s pudgy body rapped in pink cloth. He smiled at her curious sense of fashion, and tried to hold his laughter until he was by him self. He turned a corner and suddenly a kid with a mini electric scooter crashed onto his shins. He dropped to the ground in pain and let out a yelp. When he looked up he saw the rabbit a yard from him. Jonny lunged at it quickly, the rabbit saw him coming and just as fast, if not faster, ran the opposite way. Jonny chased the rabbit up in down the yard for a good minute until he crashed into a low tree branch and hit his head. The rabbit escaped into a small hole on the building. Ms. Chen went to Jonny’s side.

“Did I get the little rodent?” He asked in a daze of confusion.

“Sorry you failed me my friend.” She said “Maybe I’ll set up traps for it in case it comes out.”

Jonny arrived at his friend’s house that was not to far from his apartment.

“Tom, what’s happening with you pal.” Jonny asked sarcastically.

Tom grinned and replay, “not a whole lot you walking curse.”They both laughed and sat down. Tom was a good friend of Jonny, he was there for him anytime he’d be knocked down by life. Now Jonny needed some encouragement for his date, but not before Tom’s muddied dog jumped on him and ruined his shirt. As he struggled to get the dog off of him, he ended up also ripping his shirt in half as well. Now with a ruined shirt and no time to go home for a fresh one, he had to borrow one from Tom. Tom was a bit on the larger side and it was his laundry day, Jonny was left with a retro checkered button up.

“Man look at me, I’m like a chess board for nerds.” Jonny said disappointingly “How am I going to face up to Zara?”

“Stop whining, haven’t you ever heard that love is unconditional? But in your case maybe she should see you at your worst now so she’d see what she was getting into.” Tom chuckled. Jonny didn’t find it very amusing.

“Okay, I got less then two hours to meet Zara. I guess I should take a walk or something to calm my ass down and before I bash you in.” Jonny said giving tom a bitter smile

“Aww. Don’t get swore at me, it was the dogs fault. Its weird that out of all the days it would jump on you it would be today.

“yea I guess. Now I’m going to embarrass myself on the date.” He said sadly

“Don’t worry if she’s half the girl you told me about I’m sure she’ll look past it all.” Tom trying to raise Jonny’s spirit.

“Yea your right, it wont be that bad.” Jonny trying to smile. “well I guess I’ll start walking. I’ll tell you how bad it went when its done.”

As Jonny was walking out toms house a group of hooligans drove pass. They were shocked to see what Jonny was wearing. One yelled out “look it’s a man that came out of a time capsule!”. Anther one yelled, “ the discos is on the other side of town”.

Jonny got so red with anger he yelled out profanities that could barley fit out his mouth. Tom stepped out in his balcony and laughed at what Jonny was yelling. He kept going hoping for any more incidents

Jonny arrived at the park near the restaurant were he was to meet Zara. He sat down anticipating how the night would be like, hoping that everything would go fine. As he sat there spacing out, a commotion broke out. Three robbers being chased by the police were attempting a daring escape. Jonny barley noticing the ruckus stood up and one of the robbers ran into him. He hit the ground pretty and was in a daze. The Robber was up in a flash and gone when the cops caught up. He got up confused on what happened, a man helped him and told him what happened. Jonny suspected it was his bad luck who got him into this. Unaware to Jonny the robber had slipped his booty in his pants.

It was time for his date with Zara, she arrived on time. Jonny was already waiting at the table, nerves on how the night would go. He smiled nervously at and complimented her. She giggled at his tense posture. She admired him truly, even with his bad luck she always watched him stand tall and keep walking. The waiter took both there orders, a fat man stood up next to Jonny walking towards the bathroom, he let out the biggest fart next to Jonny. His face turned green with sickness. Zara yelled at the rood, disgusting man.

Mean while the robber who got away from the cops returned to the scene of the crime. Looking for the diamond he dropped running into Jonny. He looked for it for ten minutes getting frustrated as time passed. He was about to give up when he passed the restaurant Jonny was at. The robber put on a sinister smile, “He must have found the jewel on the ground. Damn! What to do?” he thought to himself. He went around the back of the restaurant, let himself in and put on their work cloths.

Jonny was enjoying his evening Zara, so far no casualties had happened. Appetizers had been severed and just as fast it was gone. He popped the last piece of cold meat in his mouth, without thinking about it he swallowed it. He stopped, Zara staring in his eyes, he made gestures but she only thought it was a silly game of his. His face turned purple and got up, Zara realizing he was joking yelled out for help. Imminently one of the workers came up to perform the Heimlich maneuver. The robber saw the opportunity to get his treasure back. He went up to them to assist, the other worker helping Jonny pushed one last time and the meat popped out into the robbers mouth. The robber grabbed hold of his neck, starting to turn into a bluish color due to lack of oxygen. The man helping Jonny went to help him out now.

“what the Hell!” yelled out the robber once he could breath. “Why you spit it in my face!”

“Sorry, it was an accident.” Jonny apologized.

The robber got tired of waiting for his prize and lunged at Jonny. Jonny was confused on why he was attacking him. Zara jumped up to help her companion out. The workers were just as lost.

“You have it give it back!” the robber yelled hysterically. Zara jumped on his back. Jonny was pushed backed making a bowl of hot soup spill on his pants. He gave a massive shout in pain. He fell down with the robber still in him. Finally one customer got fed up with his meal getting interrupted, he got up grabbed a plate and smashed it in the robber then on Jonny. He sat down promptly to finish his meal.

The police arrived at the restaurant to take the robber away. With all the commotion Jonny thought Zara wouldn’t go back out with him.

“So,” She said smiling “does action just follow you around all day?

“ only when I`m around pretty girls like you” he said smoothly

“Well I guess Imma love spending time with you the”

She smiled. He smiled happy to be with her. They kissed and he felt his bad luck was finally turning around.