FOX News &

The Ten Commandments

by Will Novey

There are many ways in which people have found God. There’s the guy who almost died but God intervened to save his life. There’s a man who wanted to die, but seconds before he blew his brains out, God intervened. There are tons in A.A. that say God helped them quit drinking, and there’s a few who find God every time they stare into the face of a child….this is the story of how I found God.

It all started with me shitting and pissing into a two liter 7-Up bottle and placing a little pink plastic balloon over the top. (I chose pink because it seemed like the most pleasant color for a somewhat unpleasant activity.) Getting my feces into the bottle wasn’t easy. I had hoped that pooping into a funnel would work, but the feces just stuck to the plastic instead of sliding into the hole. So I ended up having to shove it down with a chopstick I found in the kitchen; sorry mom. Afterwards I waited about a week for my potion to ferment and then I took the balloon…uhm… well I’ll backup a little bit cause you’re probably wondering how I got into this situation.

A few weeks before my little chem.-lab experiment I saw this incredibly shocking, absolutely disgusting but very intriguing report on FOX News. Now I don’t normally believe what I hear in the media because most of it is just total bullshit, but every once in a while you find something good. Something that just grabs your attention and leaves you hopelessly enthralled.

“Human Waste Drug!!!” The reporter says.

“Everyone is talking about the new hip drug on the streets, Jenkem. That’s right Butt Hash, Ass candy, Holy Shit, Devils Chocolate and Gods’ Scharffenberger.”

Whoa

“People are smoking shit?! …Why didn’t I think of that?”

I had to look into this one. So I did some research, and you wouldn’t believe the kind of stuff I found. I discovered a wealth of information on Jenkem: “alleged hallucinogenic recreational drug composed of noxious gas formed from fermented human feces.”

Now I know over the many years man has been on this planet, we have tried…a few…very weird things. Zeppelins…obviously those were a disaster. Splitting the atom…that did a lot of good. A bidet…I don’t get it, I thought you were given an enima before you took a shit. It’s very weird. Did you know the vibrator was the “fifth domestic appliance to be electrified.” Right after the sewing machine. I’m not kidding…look it up. Man is weird.

But we know this.

What I’m having trouble with is what crazy fucking entrepreneur took a shit and said,

“You know what…I should smoke this.”

I mean who was the first man, or woman, to commit this act?

Apparently, it started with Zambian street children,

“Where Jenkem is listed as the third most popular drug among Lusaka's street children, following Dagga ( which is cannabis) and glue.” Think about that. It goes weed…glue…shit.

Now I’m not trying to say that poverty is funny. Poverty is terrible. But it’s interesting how far one will go to get high.

The report went on to say “The raw materials are plentiful and freely available in the form of fecal matter from the open sewers of Lusaka.”

Wait a sec.

They’re using other people’s shit? I found that to be a little silly. Why use other people’s shit? That’s insane! Can’t they use their own feces? I don’t know why but for some reason I feel like I would much rather smoke my own shit. You know, at least with my own shit I know it’s vegan.

So eventually the drug reached its way to Florida, where the big media frenzy happened. Fox knew exactly what it needed to boost its ratings.

“And coming up…Florida high school student smokes his own poop. Why he did it? And why parents are scared!”

Who’s not gonna stay for that?

They ran a whole story on a kid who did Jenkem and posted pictures on the internet. Now the kid eventually stated that the whole thing was a joke. The concoction was actually just flour, Nutella and beer. The kid continued to respond that he never wanted another person to connect him as the ‘shit smoker’ ever…ever again. I felt sorry for him, really, it must be a bummer when random people you don’t even know think you smoked your feces. Cough Cough.

But some kids really came out and talked about their experiences. “16-year old Luke Mponde stated his preference for Jenkem over other inhalants, ‘with glue, I just hear voices in my head. But with Jenkem, I see visions. I see my mother who is dead and forget about the problems in my life.’”

Damn!

Kid sees his dead mom!

I have to try this!

Now…it’s not like the decision to try Jenkem was completely impulsive, I had been looking for a new drug to try and was getting bored of the usual. Weed…eh…barely even gets you high. Ecstasy feels great, but I always end up saying, “I love you” to every person I come into contact with. Coke…coke is great when it’s offered to you, but I don’t have the kind of money to support a coke habit! And coke makes you do some crazy stuff man. You’re always looking for a new crazy way to get coke into your system. First it’s off a mirror, then it’s a line of some chicks’ tits, and then before you know it you’re doing line out of her ass hole. It’s crazy. Hallucinogens are more fun anyways. Now mushrooms…lots of fun if you got the right energy flow going on, but they taste awful! I’d rather smoke fermented feces than chew on a soggy magic mushroom. Acid on the other hand: you don’t taste a thing and no matter what’s on your mind, it’s the most profound thought you’ll ever have. Problem with acid is it’s so hard to find good stuff now days and even harder to trust anyone selling it to ya. I mean you go to some hippie and hand him one hundred bucks in return for a bag of sugar cubes and a warning,

“Don’t eat too many man.”

And I say, “I know, they’ll rot my teeth.”

So finally the day came when my parents were out of town and I had the house to myself for a weekend. Eight days had gone by and the poop in the bottle was finally fermented.

I placed the 7-Up bottle in front of me and stared at it…scared, but excited. With my tabby cat sitting on my lap, I lit some incense and put on Mendelssohn. The music began softly, filling my mind with a gentle tranquility.

The pink balloon that I had placed over the 7-Up bottle was now inflated just enough to create a sphere the size of a grapefruit. Through the translucent green you could see the mixture. The turd was still relatively intact, considering I had shaken the bottle up a few times like a cocktail, and was floating in the center, surrounded by a pool of light brown liquid. Shreds of the poop were floating around, but I had eaten a lot of fiber for this feces, so the scene as a whole resembled an island in a dirty lake.

I pinched the bottom of the balloon and gently lifted it off the top of the bottle.

I took a minute to examine the balloon, my heart pounding.

I closed my eyes, then wrapped my lips around the elastic end and took a deep breath in as I inhaled the sweet sticky fumes.

Time froze.

I felt myself lost in a dark abyss. I wasn’t sure if I was falling or floating. Direction became nonexistent. There was a rush surging through me that felt magical, as if I was coming out of every pore in my body. My mouth and lungs were tingling. I felt a warm numbness spread throughout my body, as I became an ethereal being drifting in a sentient universe. I felt a flow of raw energy building in my core. Circling throughout my body, becoming more and more intense. Breathing heavy…energy building…and building….and building…and-

Brlaaaaugh…

I opened my eyes to find vomit everywhere. On my keyboard, my carpet…my poor tabby cat covered in maroon splotches. Puke all over my pants…my shoes…dripping from my chin….

Ohhhh man…puking on yourself is so shamefull.

For me however, it was another story because I had just inhaled shit fumes.

So after experiencing my first wave of projectile vomiting and coming back to an altered state of consciousness, I realized my mouth tasted terrible! I found myself sticking out my tongue and clawing at it as if to rub out the taste of diarrhea. I could barely take in oxygen for each breath had a toxic aroma.

I stumbled to my bathroom and began trying to brush my teeth, but my mouth muscles weren’t functioning right and all the toothpaste just oozed down my chin along with drool and residual vomit. I tried gargling mouthwash but I choked and ended up swallowing a big gulp of Listerine.

It was around this time that I looked up into the mirror and realized…I am FUCKED UP!

The mirror became a pool of water in which I saw a wavy reflection of myself. I examined my face…my pores turned red and inflated into pimples. Pimple after pimple formed along my cheeks and forehead and nose until my face was covered in little red spots! In panic I began clawing at them viscously, trying to pop them, but every time I popped one it grew back in seconds. I reached for a bottle of Proactive and squeezed out a handful of the white goop then smeared it all over my face. I looked down at my arms and saw my arm hair grow to be a foot long. Covering my body like a hairy ape. I was going through some crazy metamorphosis.

By now my concept of time had gone completely out the window. I could have been standing in front of that mirror for hours. I was completely lost in an intense flow of thoughts. Multiple times I had to inspect the top of my head to make sure my thoughts had not busted through my skull and leaked brains all over the sink. Complex and profound questions began pouring through my head. Why am I here? Do I even exist? Are my internet friends really my friends? They won’t be at my birthday.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the front door. I froze.

*Knock Knock*

I walked into my living room and saw the UPS man standing in front of the window peering in. He took a look at me…and then walked away with a puzzled expression.

“Poor man.” I thought, “He came here to deliver a package and instead found a hairy ape with proactive cream smeared on its face. He must have been scared.”

I peered out my living room window to watch him back out of the drive way. “What can Brown Do For You”, it said.

If only they knew.

Looking out the window I realized it was absolutely beautiful outside. The sun was shining, flowers of all colors were in bloom, birds were chirping and a family of fauns were grazing gracefully in the grass. I decided I would go on a spirit journey around the neighborhood, but not before cleaning myself off. I didn’t want people to think I was weird.

I stepped out of the house and began walking around North Berkeley. The impact of my foot hitting the pavement must have nearly liquidized the cement because the ground curved inwards as if sucked by a black hole. This threw off my balance and I found myself stumbling with each step as my feet sank in like quick sand.

I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew that walking up would take me closer to heaven.

At that moment a car went soaring by me and as it did, I felt my body fly at the same speed. I was standing perfectly still, but I felt like I was moving fast enough to break the sound barrier. The wind chasing the car dragged me further up the hill. Pulling me like a dog on a leash. It was here that a light brown cat crossed my path.

Gasp

“Mountain lion!” I screamed, sprinting away, fleeing for my life, certain that the lion was inches behind me extending its claws. As I sprinted I saw a young couple with a baby stroller walking down the sidewalk.

“Stop!” I shouted, “There’s a mountain lion! RUUUN!”

The family became horror stricken. They had no idea what to do. They were frozen!

“Don’t just stand there! Run before it eats your child!” I screamed sprinting past them. I grabbed their baby from the stroller and continued my daring escape. If they won’t save their child, I will!

I heard the woman let out a horrific scream behind me.

“The lion must have gotten her.” I thought.

I ran for miles…never looking back, no matter how much my muscles ached. Spectators stared in amazement at my ludicrous speed as I soared by them with the baby held firmly in my hand like a running back with a football.

Eventually I realized I couldn’t carry the baby forever. Its parents were gone, but how could I, an 18 year old soon to be college student, raise this child. What kind of father would I be, I don’t even do all of my homework…hell, right now I can’t even handle gravity.

I had to ditch the baby…but how?

I found an oversized mailbox that was decorated to look like a house. I opened the lid and slid the baby in like a pizza, then began walking away before realizing my mistake.

The lion will still smell the child!

Shit!

I had to act quickly. I started grabbing every flower and plant I saw, avoiding as best I could the cactus and poison oak, then threw the handful into the mailbox and began smearing them all over the baby. I shut the mailbox on the crying child and resumed my journey. I saved that babies life…

I ran up the streets until I came to Indian Rock. There I found a hippie couple sitting on a boulder smoking some reefer. The pleasant scent of skunk filled my nostrils bringing a smile to my face. They must have noticed because the man called me over saying,

“Hey man…I saw you run up that hill…that was awesome man…you should take it easy. Here…”

“Thanks!” I said taking a seat next to him. His long dirty dreads went down to his elbows, and he had beads in his beard that looked like pearls. I realized he must be a pirate.

At that thought, his dreads started moving around, twisting and curling like worms. But they weren’t worms. They were tentacles. It was an octopus! The man was wearing an enormous octopus on his head. It was leached to his skull making slurping noises. SPLRCH SPLRG.

I stared in horror as a nice smooth tentacle handed me a joint, which I timidly accepted.

“Hey before you hit that…you got some pudding on your chin.”

“Where?” I said wiping my face franticly.

“Here I got it…” his girlfriend said, wiping the smudge off then licking her fingers.

“Thanks.” I took a hit from the joint, sucking the smoke deep into my lungs, then handed it back to the man.

“This is my wife Rainbow…”

“Hey...you have a beautiful aura” The woman said delivering her hand. As she reached I noticed a thick bush under her armpit. The thin hairs glinted in the sun, and transformed into jellyfish tentacles.

“N-nice to meet you.” I stuttered, my eyes fixated.

I sat back and stared into the sky…we all remained silent as the high inflated our eye-balls

Suddenly, I saw a flash of light come from the top of Indian Rock. I stared in awe as the object flared, calling towards me.

“Do you see that!?” I shouted, pointing up at the light.

“what?”

“That! That flash of light! What is it?!”

The man scratched his head, “I don’t know…”

“Look at it shine!” I said, my eyes wide, “I must go find out what it is!”

“Alright man…later.”

I stood up and walked to the base of the rock. I touched it and immediately felt a warm energy surge through my body.

At this moment my legs gave out on me. I fell to the ground, unable to stand or lift myself up. My legs had gone completely limp. I began crawling, using my arms to pull my self higher and higher. Gripping the dry rough rock with all my strength I screamed with every push. AHHHHHH!

A group of kids who were hanging out at the top heard my screaming and walked down the stairs to try and help me. One reached his hand out to me but it transformed into a massive tarantula and I swiped it away screaming,

“Stay back!”

They shrugged their shoulders and left me to my mission.

I don’t know how long I spent inching up that mountain but finally; I made it to the top. Sweat dripping down my face, my legs covered in blood, and my clothes torn, I had made it! And there before me lie no other than God himself…in the form of aluminum Pepsi can.

The can had a divine aura engulfing it, radiating its holiness like a hand reaching out to me. Suddenly I felt strength come back to my legs and I lifted myself up, standing before the almighty. There was a warm silence…and then the can cleared its throat…and spoke.

“Will….”

“I am here…”

“Put off thy Birkenstocks from off thy feet, for the place where art thou stands is holy ground.”

I hesitated, “actually there’s some glass on the ground, can I leave them on?”

“No…take them off, thou shall be fine.”

I shrugged and removed my shoes.

“I am the God of thy father…the God of Abraham…the God of Isaac…and the God of Jacob…”

“uhhh…earth to God, I got to Berkeley High…you have any idea how many Isaacs and Jacobs there are at that place?”

“Listen…as I share with thee, thy wisdom.”
It was then that God explained everything to me. The meaning of life…what happens after death…how to properly use a semicolon…I was blessed with his divine wisdom…

And then I parted.

“Go now Will…and tell them what I have told you.”

“Tell who God? Who are they?”

“Them…the perpetual they.”

“Perpetual? I don’t know if that’s the right word. I think you mean the proverbial they-”

“DO NOT correct me…I have made thy decree. So let it be spoken, so let it be done.”

“It’s so let it be written, so let it be done. Haven’t you ever seen The Ten Commandments?”

“Is it on Blu-Ray?”

“Probably, look on Netflix.”

“Oh, I don’t get internet.”

“…Bummer.”

The light faded leaving me alone with my thoughts and a spectacular view of the city.

I will never forget that day…the day I escaped the claws of a mountain lion. The day I heard the word of God. The day I was arrested for kidnapping an infant. Yes, many great events took place that day, none of which expected…but hey…shit happens.