A Shitty Trip

by Lazansky-Weast

My big toe throbs as I jog down the narrow dirt path to the lake, and I regret not wearing my other pair of moccasins. As I run, I contemplate the week ahead with excitement.

“Yo Burning Tree! Over here man, hurry your ass up!” yells my cousin Mushroom Eater from the edge of the lake. I trot over and pause, squinting and gasping for air.

“Hey, you been burning too many trees, Burning Tree?” my cousin says, and the two other boys with him laugh. I chuckle and remove my pack. “I got all the supplies,” I say.

“Let’s see.”

“We got a Q.P. of peyote, top quality caps of course, some dried deer meat, and some Magnums for maximum pleasuring performance. Ooooh yeah!”

“What the hell you need condoms for? We’re going into the woods you won’t be getting any there…unless you’re into animals—“

“Hell-ooo! It’s not just any forest, it’s Chief Pim-Pin’s tribe. And you know what they say about the Pim-Pin girls….” We all exchange high fives.

“So,” I say. “Lets get this trip started!” After doling out equal doses of peyote and stuffing them in our mouths, we set off into the forest.

At first everything seems normal, you know, all good, cool, gravy, just chillin’. We’ve been walking for about hour now, and I’m getting really impatient. I hate waiting, but most of all, I hate being sober. I can feel the drugs gurgling around in my stomach, but it is only when I look up through the infinitely long trees that the shit hit me like a blunt to the face.

Suddenly the sky is filled with cries and from the treetops giant apes with diapers on come hurtling down toward us. Shrieking, I cower back against a boulder but the rock seems to be breathing and little rock hands come out and pinch me and the ground is shaking and a tremendous gurgling has started inside the pit of my stomach and there is nowhere to turn because the trees are filled with those horrible creatures shitting themselves and it’s raining feces and the feces come in a downpour and I realize I’m covered in shit by this time and I-have-to-get-the-fuck-out-of-here!

I turn toward my cousin saying, “Quick man, we hafta leave,” but the words are distorted and they catch in my throat. Instead I stare at his face wildly as his nose grows into a large beak and he turns his head to me but his eyes are empty and wild with the drug. He is useless, completely gone, probably incapable of comprehending the shit falling from the sky. Spinning, I run from the brown torrent through the trees, deeper into the woods. My heart pounds and my only thought is to escape the suffocating smell behind me.

The further I run, the more unfamiliar my surroundings become. The trees are massive toothpicks poking into the sky and I my mind races wildly at the thought of the clouds bursting on their pointy ends. Not that I like clouds particularly, but it’s almost a one hundred percent guarantee that they too are filled with diarrhea that would inevitably cover the whole forest if released. I cover my head, crouching low, and continue running.

***

I am so fucked. And not in the good way. Fucked, like, up the butt with a rusty screwdriver. Multiple times. In a pool of rubbing alcohol.

So I’m basically stranded in the middle of…who knows where?! Where the fuck am I? It’s pitch black, ice cold, and there’s something uncomfortably wet around the crotch of my pants. And this uncomfortably wet thing around my crotch is really affecting my size. I just hope those Pim-Pin hoes don’t find me yet.

***

Oh no…. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse. I have no idea how long it’s been since I ran off, or how long ago I ate that peyote (Days? Months? Seven seconds?). Anyway, the apes are gone for now, but the shit…. Well, the shit has reached a whole other level.

As it turns out, I wasn’t covered in shit… until this morning, that is. There was a massive rumbling in my gut and that’s when I lost it. I knew the minute I stood up—IT WAS BAD. A sickly warmth began in the seat of my pants and slowly leaked down, down, down…finally reaching my feet and settling in the bottom of my shoes. Not only do my feet gurgle with every step, the smell that rises from my shoes is worse than a month old dead cat floating in raw sewage. What the fuck am I going to do???

***

Another day, another butt explosion in my pants. What did I do to deserve this?! I mean honestly, if I had known about these after-effects, I would never have even eaten that peyote. Well…that’s probably not true. But COME-ON! Is all this shit really necessary?

***

Oh balls. Someone is coming. Or should I say, SOMEONES. And from the looks of it, a very attractive someones. Quite a few of them, actually. Could it be--? The Pim-Pin tribe! Many thoughts cross my mind, mostly along the lines of, I smell horrible, but finally, after all this waiting and hoping, my wildest fantasies will be fulfilled. Oh, rape me with an octopus, GIRLS, HERE I COME!!!

I rip off my feces encrusted attire and, letting everything hang out and fly free, run toward the group of fine looking females coming toward me. As I get closer, the ladies seem bigger then normal. Just what I like, large and in charge, I think. Hmm…. Not only are they bigger, I see now, but they’re sort of…hairy. Oh well, a little hair never hurt anyone. So they may not be perfect, but hey, chicks are chicks, pussy is pussy, and my boner sure won’t go away by itself.

“GRR-RRR-RRRAAAWWWRRRR!!!!” The sound is deafening, and it takes me a while to realize it’s coming from the group of huge furry women now charging toward me.

“Ladies, ladies, there’s enough to go around. Come to Daddy,” I say, spreading my arms and legs to show off the goods.

Before I know it, they’re on me like beasts. Like hungry, hungry, beasts. Huge, fuzzy beasts with sharp claws—

“AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I scream at the top of my lungs. These crazed beasts are…not women at all!

“Good bears, don’t hurt me,” I coax the huge animals. My words have no effect on them. Just get up, and back away slowly…. One plops down on my legs, another begins to lick inside my ear, and a third…well…all I can say is that bears have really, really, really, big mouths (the better to lick me with). The rest of them stand around us, waiting their turn I assume.

My heart is throbbing in my throat and a shiver of adrenaline runs through my body. All I can think is, my dick, my dick, my dick! I begin to pray to any and every god my tribe worships. Please, if You, all mighty Creator are out there listening, please don’t let these bears bite my cock. That’s all I ask….

Nothing. This bear is still violating me. But…to tell the truth, I haven’t felt any teeth yet. In fact, it feels pretty okay. Even, dare I say…good? I can feel myself getting hard in the bear’s mouth and a warm tingling starting in my pelvis, moving throughout my whole body and before I know it, I’m busting a nut right into this bear’s mouth. In fact, I came so hard, my skeet shot into the bear’s throat and it pulled back gagging and spitting.

“SPLAAT-GAKUH-GRRRRRRR!!!” All the bears join in growling at me now, but I’m so relaxed I don’t even want to move.

“Aaaah,” I moan, pushing myself up. The bears look angry. Very, very angry. I slowly start backing away, then turn and sprint away with all my might. I keep running and running, looking back to check if the bears are following. From a distance, I can see them, still posted in the same spot, passing around my shit covered clothes and ripping them to shreds.

I run. I’ve never run this much in my life and my lungs are on fire. I keep running until the trees grow thin and I can start to see the sky. And I keep running until I’m completely out of the forest and at the edge of the lake near my village.

After washing off in the water, I creep past my neighbors’ huts and into my own, where I change into fresh clothes made of deerskin. Then I fall into bed and sleep like I’ve never slept before.

***

I’m woken up by my mother shaking me saying, “When did you get back? You smell terrible! The chief wants to see you immediately.”

I rub my eyes and get up to leave, my mom yelling behind me, “Do the dishes first! And take out the trash!” PSHHHH. SIKE.

Slamming the door behind me, I walk quickly to the chief’s hut in the center of town. Inside, the main room is completely hot boxed with dank, and the Chief sits at the back of the room hitting a bong.

“Burning Tree! Just the man I wanted to see,” he begins. “So, I heard about your little spirit journey.”

“What? How-“ I begin, but he keeps talking.

“Bears, eh? I myself prefer raccoons, but to each his own. I’m just glad to know I’m not the only one here who appreciates what different species have to offer.” Oh gawd. Someone get me a blunt. Quick. “Well, I just summoned you here to say, on behalf of myself and the Ancestors…NIIIICE!” Wow. Make that two blunts and a pint of Jack Daniels.