The DirectorŐs Argument

                                   

                                         by Morris Callegari

 

 

            M. Night Shyamalan, George Lucas, and Steven Spielberg are brought together by their studio executive to write a story and script for a summer movie.

            Executive:  Alright hereŐs the deal everyone...  You guys need to come up with a good story for the summer.  If it's not good then I will have to make the decision of dropping you guys from the company.

            Lucas:  What? But what about our contracts?

            Executive: They become invalid when your movies do badly in the box office.

            Spielberg:  Why are you doing this to us?  We've been work for you for so long.

Executive:  Well you have to face it...  M. Night, you haven't had a good movie since the 6th Sense. Spielberg, you haven't since Jurassic Park, and Lucas hasn't made a good movie since he started.

            Lucas:  What are you talking about!? Star Wars is one of the greatest classic movies ever made!

Executive:  Just because its a classic doesn't make it a good movie.  Just a whole bunch of nerds thought it was cool for people to have powers, thus making your movies classics over time.  But not good...  ThereŐs a difference.

            A white man wearing all black clothing, sunglasses, and unkempt hair walks through the door.

M. Night:  What is he doing here?

Executive: Ah, good, you're here.  Okay everyone this is Tim Burton.

Lucas: We know who he is...  What the hell is he doing here?

Executive: Well unlike all of you guys, mostly you George, he's made a good movie recently... And he knows how to work with weird story descriptions.  Eventually I want you guys to be like this guys(as he points at Tim). 

 

Everyone looks at Tim and see a man that doesn't know how to spend money on his clothing and failed to take care of his morning hygiene, he looked a whole shade darker than usual.

 

Executive: I have some work to do, so when I come back I expect to have a summary thatŐs golden!

Spielberg: Alright everyone, he have a lot of imagination here so lets try not to overpower each other in ideas okay?

Lucas: okay, I got an idea.  Lets start this whole thing out with a giant starship, and there a bunch of small ships trying to destroy it but they donŐt know that thereŐs a strong gravitational pull on the giant ship so you see all the little ships go crash in to it! And then, and then the other fighter ships come out and crash in to it! And have a Jedi comes out of nowhere and he gets pulled in too!

Spielberg: ThatŐs a GREAT idea!

Burton: Those arenŐt actually ideasÉ

Lucas: Then what are they smart ass?

Burton: Those are special effectsÉ

            Lucas: I donŐt get the differenceÉ  

 

M. Night: Well how about we have a movie what earth is mad at the humans, and everyone has to run away from the wind because it makes them commit suicide!

            Burton: Those arenŐt ideas those areÉ.

            M. Night: Or how about the people think theyŐre being watched, but it ends up being ummÉ  Aliens! Yeah, Aliens that need gas to get back to their planet!  But they canŐt open doors!

            Burton:  Well thatŐs not really aÉ

            M. Night: Or the people think theyŐre being haunted but they were dead the whole time.

            Burton: THOSE ARENŐT IDEAS! THEYŐRE TWISTS! God damn it have you guys ever thought of a good movie in your whole lives? Holy crapÉ  You know what, just put a gothic filter on the camera and have Johnny Depp as the main character and that will be my contributionÉ  IŐm leavingÉ  God damn you guys suckÉ

            (an hour later)

The Executive comes back with a slightly enthused look on his face.

            Lucas: Ah, good you're here!  We've come up with a great idea!

            Executive: Well time is money, hurry up and tell me about it already.

            Spielberg: Alright, so the story is based in the future, but it's after global warming so civilization has been destroyed.  We decided to put a Gothic filter on the lens to make the movie seem a bit darker.  So the main character is one of the last survivors from global warming and he takes care of a little girl.  But she gets taken from his by rabid t-rexes..

            (Spielberg pauses hoping for approval)

            Spielberg: And then he tries to save her so he goes searching for her, and kills all of the t-rexes in his path with his light saber.  He trains and learns many abilities through doing this.  When he finally finds the girl he finds out that t-rexes didn't take the girl at all he actually ended up being in a coma the whole time from almost drowning in a flood.  The whole thing was a dream.

            Executive: Mhmm...  And who's going to be playing the main character?

            Spielberg: Johnny Depp

            Executive: Oh, okay well...  All of you guys are fired.  Exept for you Tim you're fine.

            Lucas: What?!  Why isn't Tim fired?!

            Executive: Well the movie sounded like complete crap.  I wouldn't use that even if I was high.  I'm guess Tims ideas were the Gothic lens and Johnny Depp, those were genius ideas.  You guys need to get on his level.

            The day after the executive starts looking for directors but is having some issues.

 

 

Directors I can possibly use.

Wes Craven (nightmare on elm street, screem 1 and 2)

Ron Howard

John Hughes (The Breakfast Club" & "Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

Michael Moore

Quentin Tarantino (only steals from the best)