A Complete Guide

To Facebook Lurking

by Lily Brown

People all over the world - from middle school to middle aged, from pasty people who really shouldn’t have posted a whole album of their almost see through white body in a skanky bikini, to people so dark that they are not visible in most of their pictures, and from people with friends in the thousands (jealous!) to people whose only friend is their mom - post personal information for all to see in the greatest social networking device ever invented: FACEBOOK. Facebook is the open window into people’s lives, allowing you to be that person that sits in the tree outside of that-girl-you-like’s window with binoculars watching her dance to music or change clothes without being a creepy stalker. For those of you that have suppressed the urges to follow around that popular girl or boy in your class on the weekends taking pictures from behind a bush to see what he or she does for fun and then tell yourself you’re a part of it when you look through them later in your room (guilty!lol!), this guide is for you. I have compiled the best tips and rules for healthy and time minimizing facebook lurking. Note: Lurking is widely accepted whereas stalking can land you with a restraining order (I had to learn this the hard way L lolz!)

Home Page

This is the beginning of the journey. The home page supplies you with the most recent wall and picture comments, photo uploads, status and relationship updates, and so much more. This is a lot of information to take in and I know your heart rate is already speeding up and you are starting to perspire lightly when you think about the endless possibilities and how you will ever get through all of it and still have time for homework. Don’t worry. I have come up with a filter and steps system that should cut your lurking time down to about six hours a night. I know that sounds too good to be true and you’re saying to yourself “ You can really cut out two hours!? I don’t believe it!” Believe me it’s possible. I will prove you wrong.

Statuses

This is a good place to start because reading statuses doesn’t require you to ever leave the home page. Once you leave you might not return until hours later. Scroll down and quickly skim for statuses of really cool people who are popular (everything they do and say is important) and really big losers (everything they write is just hilariously pathetic). Note/rule: people in the middle of these two categories are boring and not worth your time. You can obtain many vital tips and lessons from statuses. For example I learned about proper hair care after reading “411 to girls that get weaves: get colors that compliment your skin tone. Get hairstyles that fit your face. Don’t get cheap hair because you’re broke, because then your ish will look like a wig if it’s synthetic. And last but not least don’t rush and glue your tracks in, take your time so it don’t look like you wearin’ a damn too-pay (how eva’ you spell that lol). The end. Note: do not ever post comments on a status. The key is to observe and never participate. Also it takes too much time. The goal is to lurk, not socialize, because then people will know how much of a lurker you are. Note: only spend a maximum of thirty minutes on statuses to conserve time. Other aspects of Facebook are more interesting. Statuses are only warm-ups.

Wall-to-Wall

Once you have had your share of statuses move on to wall comments. The beginnings of comments are also on the news feed of the home page, which makes them a convenient second step. When looking at comments please apply the note/rule from step one (statuses). If a comment looks interesting like “OMG!!! Too wasted last night. I can’t believe that really happened. Never again!!! Girl you are too crazy!!!” defiantly click the wall-to-wall button to see the whole conversation. You will probably find out vital information about what happens at parties and what the cool kids did this weekend. Note: always click into posted links. Although this adds a little more time, it is always worth it. One time I found a link to a video on youtube of a lemur getting tickled and peeing everywhere. Prime. Other times you will read wall-to-walls that just make no sense like "So I'm feeling better, had a scare but I feel like its all going to work out. I think I found my way 2 prom (found sum dumb ass sexy shoes for 63 bucks-originally 120). Man I have finally realized how blessed I am to know certain people in this world. Scene: City Nights listening to ‘Donk’-messed up anal canals Lol gud times at da club. Luv u gurls. Hope prom will go smoothly. Hit da cell!!!". Even if you read this in context of the whole conversation it is just not comprehensible. These types of posts are just for entertainment only. You can’t really learn anything from them. But if you look closely enough on wall-to-walls you can find vital information that will boost your social life. “So you want to go to lunch tomorrow girl? I'm thinking Panini? That sound good to you too? Ok luv ya!” Always read where people are going to lunch because then you can follow them (keeping a 3.2 foot distance of course) and it will look like you have friends.

Photos

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This statement could not be truer. That is why photos are the greatest resource on Facebook. You can find out everything you need to know just from pictures: what someone looks like, what they do for fun, how they behave, where they vacation, who they hang out with, etc.

Best album on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?profile&id=511477802#/album.php?aid=62266&id=511477802&op=6

Best picture on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=1061011&id=714387395

Videos

So it is pretty much okay to upload any video on Facebook. There are videos that range from a girl picking up dog poop to a girl dressed like a drag queen pacing backing and forth and the person recording it saying "give us a turn, baby, give us a turn!" and then she goes “You’re in big trouble now!” This is one category in which I have never experienced embarrassment. Anything goes. Actually. Although one time I posted a serious video about what vegetables I like and dislike and people left comments like “Lol! That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. You’re hilarious.” It was kind of awkward when I had to let tell them that I was not joking.

Notes

Notes are usually intended for a small audience of people close to the note writer. But just because you weren’t tagged in the note doesn’t mean you can read it! Most of the time you will hear people say “ I can’t share that with you it’s personal information” or “Stacy told me that she has herpes but don’t tell anyone because it’s personal information.” Personal information used to be some secret that people shared with almost no one. The days of that are over. Now even if you don’t know someone at all in person you can know everything about him or her from Facebook. People will write notes telling their friends 25 of the most intimate things about themselves. Be sure to read these because then you will know what quirks are common and what is just plain weird (apparently eating your own scabs is not socially acceptable. How was I supposed to know!?). The second best notes to lurk are the ones where it says, “leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember! Don't send a message, leave a comment on here. Next, re-post this in your notes and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty cool (and funny) to see the responses”. Note/Rule: It does matter if you know the person a little or a lot. Do not post memories of someone who doesn’t even know you know who they are, its creepy. I did it one time and the person removed me from their friend list L. It was pretty traumatizing. Someone even posted “who is that random creeper?” after my comment.

Quizzes

This is a new feature where people take quizzes and the results are posed on their profile. Quiz topics range from “What Pokemon character are you?” to “What sexual position are you?” For some reason people really like taking the sexual themed quizzes. Now I know that some unnamed people are The Pincher Position (like I really needed to know that). Description: “Girl, work it! You are crazy and bendy. Flaunt it! In this position, you and your partner are face to face, but he has a full view of your everything: face, breast, stomach, vagina, etc. You are confident in your body, so he will like what he sees. You are in control in this position, so you give him however much you think he deserves. You need to have a strong upper body because you use them to create a mini-bridge. Although you and your partner’s arms are occupied during in this position, the lack of caressing is replaced by full pleasure.” This is the kind of thing where you really don’t want to know but somehow you just can’t stop reading. It is kind of horrifying to lurk. In a good way.

Friend Requests

Always accept friend requests. The more friends you have the more people you have to lurk. Even if someone is lame, confirm his or her friendship because at least it will increase the number on your friend list, which will make you look popular and cool. Also request as many friends as possible even if you only know them because you saw them in the hallway cup caking with their gf. More friends equal more material. If they decline your friendship keeping asking them until they say yes. Never give up. Unless they threaten to report you. Believe me you don’t want to have to get a new facebook under a fake name because you were reported as a harasser, it sucks, I know.

Now that you know how to lurk you can use those skills to better your life. See what is socially expectable and what is social suicide based on your findings form lurking. Model your profile and behavior on Facebook based on your observations and I’m sure you’ll have friends in no time. Look for my next guide coming soon: The Complete Guide to Facebook etiquette: How to make and keep friends on Facebook.

Good luck. Try to remember what you have learned and I guarantee you will excel at lurking. I think I told you that this guide would save you time. I guess it doesn’t. All that proves is that Facebook is too fun. Why would you want to do anything else anyway? See you on Facebook (even if you don’t see me).