Big Things

by Maya Drexler

January 27, 2009 3:47 pm

            “25 to life?”`

            “Yes, Ma’am, if it was murder…especially if there were other variables involved such as weapons or drugs. Now manslaughter is different, based on if it was involuntary or voluntary. If you gave me some more information I could help you out more but your vagueness makes things difficult for me as an attorney. What more can you tell me?”

            I remained silent. I had the worst heartburn I had ever felt.  Shaina sat next to me, holding my hand.

            “Ma’am? Were there any witnesses? I can really help you out more if you came into my office. For the first consultation I only charge –“

            I hung up the phone. His voice was all business, no empathy, no soul.

            “So what did he say?” Shaina asked with a shaky voice. Her eyes were watering up.  She had been extremely emotional these past few days but I was not sure why. She was the not the one dealing with a major life crisis like I was, so I thought all it could be was emotional empathy.

            "So, what did he say?" She repeated herself, nervously. I told her I didn’t trust him. I didn’t trust anybody.

 January 23, 2009 10:09 p.m. (four days earlier)

            My car smelled like smoke. Smoke and KFC. I rolled down my window to let some air in so I could inhale something different than grease and cigarettes.

            "And keep the car running, what do I always say about keeping the car running?"

            "I know Eddy."

            "So let’s hear it...c'mon."

            "Never turn off your car in an unfamiliar place." I responded, monotone, as if I was reading an answer to a test.

            "Good. I’ll be ten minutes, fifteen at the most, ok?"

         Well ten minutes turned to forty. My Robin Thicke CD went back to track one. I closed my eyes and listened to the smooth falsetto voice mixed with the raindrops on my windshield. I tried to find peace of mind but I could never quite relax when I was waiting for one of Eddy's transactions to finish up. God, Eddy, forty minutes? What's going on? I was used to waiting on Eddy. He always kept me waiting as if he knew I would always be there. Which I was. But his business transactions never took more than twenty minutes tops, which was why I felt the heartburn coming on. I always got heartburn when I was feeling anxious. My best friend Shaina would come with me to drop him off sometimes just so I had some company while I was waiting. I was blessed to have a best friend that got along so well with my boyfriend, especially given his occupation. But tonight I was all alone. I couldn't sit still. Something didn't feel right but I let my thoughts guide me into a faux relaxation.  I closed my eyes and thought about his promise. Our future. Our lives when this phase passed and we were safe and happy.

         “We’re gonna do big things, Mila. I’m gonna buy you a big house. What kinda house you want, Mila? I’m gonna get you that big house. We’re gonna do big things.”

This was his promise to me. Our future. He told me this every time I dropped him off. Today he forgot to say it as he got out of the car, but just thinking about it was enough to make my lips curl up into a smile involuntarily. Robin Thicke’s voice continued to fill the car as I turned up the stereo enough to drown out the raindrops. It was really pouring down now, which made me wonder why they were still out on that pier doing business. Surely they wouldn’t be spending forty minutes doing business in the rain.

         I was the only car parked in the lot. I was facing the bay. The fog and rain kept me from seeing a clear view of the San Francisco skyline or the golden gate bridge. All I could see were the waves of the bay crashing and swaying angrily against the rocks. In a way, it was beautiful. A sort of beautiful chaos. I felt a sense of tranquility pour over me. A beautiful chaos. I could live with that. I had been for the last eight months, anyways.

         All of a sudden the passenger door swung open and my moment of tranquility was interrupted.

         “Mila Go. Go. Drive.” Eddy’s voice was intense. He kept looking behind him. “Mila, go goddamn it, drive!”

          It startled me so much I didn’t even take the time to notice he was bleeding.

         “Eddy what’s going on? Oh my God, are you bleeding? Eddy, what the hell! What happened?” His eye was swollen and dripping with blood.

         “Mila, I’m just gonna need you to drive.”

January 27, 2009 4:30 p.m. (Four days later)

         "I needa call another attorney. If there's a warrant out for his arrest, he's going to have to turn himself in and he needs representation, right?" I looked over at Shaina, my best friend of eight years, my support, my lifeline. We had been through a lot in the past eight years but nothing like this.

         "Oh, um, yea...yes... yes you do need one, I mean he needs one. An attorney. He needs representation," she responded but there was something in her voice that let me know her mind was elsewhere. I chose not to ask her what was wrong because frankly I had more important stuff to deal with.

         I sat down at the table ready to call information in search of the next criminal defense attorney. All at once I was struck by the insanity of how fast this all happened. How fast it all came crashing down. My beautiful chaos deteriorating before me and all I could do was call information.

         When I started dating Eddy, I didn't exactly know what I was getting myself into. He didn't give me any time to figure it out because before I could change my mind, I was in love with him. Not the kind of Hollywood love that makes you want to gag, but the kind of love that sits with you. The kind of love that grows and builds strength and feels like it's honest. That is the love Eddy gave me. So you can understand that when I discovered the territory that came with loving him, there was no way I could turn back. I was angry at first. Furious that he let me fall in love with him without knowing this vital piece of information. But when the anger subsided he was still there, the same man, just different occupation. And I eventually learned to accept it.

         When I was younger I thought I would fall in love with a musician, someone who could serenade me and write me love songs. As I grew older I dreamt of marrying a doctor, someone smart and dependable. But when I met Eddy, I fell in love with a drug dealer. That was never in my plans. Then again, you can't plan your life.

         To my surprise, I became more and more comfortable with his occupation. He made good money, he was smart about his business deals and he made me feel safe. I even began driving him to make his transactions which were never a problem. It became routine. Pick up dry cleaning, get milk and eggs from Safeway, and drive Eddy to the pier to do business. It was just a phase of our lives. Just a step he needed to take so we could do the big things we dreamt about in our future.

         "We're gonna do big things Mila. I promise. Big things, baby, you deserve a big house. I'ma get you that big house, Mila. I promise."

         That's what he would tell me every time I drove him to make a transaction. And for the ten or fifteen minutes I sat and waited for him I would dream about those big things. But everything changed on January, 23rd. He forgot to tell me that before I took him to the pier. And that was the day everything fell apart.

January 23, 2009 10:52 p.m (four days earlier)

         We drove in silence. Every time I tried asking him what happened he snapped and told me to wait.

         "Mila, just wait, ok. Just wait till we get home. Just drive. I need some quiet."

         He never talked like this. This was bad. My heartburn was kicking in with full force and I was shaking behind the steering wheel of the car. When we got inside the house he went straight to the bedroom without a word.

         "Here, you need ice, but all we had were frozen peas,” I handed him the bag of peas and sat down beside him.

         He turned away. He couldn't look me in the eye. I grabbed his hand as he let out a sigh so heavy it was as if he'd been holding his breath since he got out of the car.

         "The Transaction didn't go as planned." He spoke this slowly and carefully and as the words poured out of his mouth I knew exactly what he meant.

         "No, Eddy. No you didn't, please, please tell me you didn't-"

         "Mila the motherfucker set me up! I went to make the transaction with him but he tried to strip me of my merchandise...He came at me, tried knocking me out and then grabbed everything I was gonna sell him and when he hit me I just...I just reacted. I reached for the gun and I couldn't even stop what happened next but it happened. I didn't mean to shoot, Mila. It just happened. And I'm gonna need you to just keep calm and help me figure this out, ok?"

         I had no words. I heard what he said but all I kept thinking about was his promise. Our future. Big things. What about those big things? What was going to happen to those big things we were supposed to do? I couldn't look at him. My heartburn was terrible. He grabbed my hand but I moved away.

         "How could you do this to us? How could you be so stupid Eddy? What about our future? What about our plans?" I was sobbing now. Uncontrollable, heavy sobs that were part fear, part anger and part sadness for the man I loved and the situation he had put us both in.

         "Mila, I do this all for you.  I do this so we can live out our dreams, don't you see that? This is just a phase, remember? And this is just a little bump in the phase but we'll get through it. I just need you to help me take care of it; we need to think this through together."

         He tried calming me down for the next 30 minutes. He told me he loved me, he was sorry, it would all be ok.  But I needed some space to clear my mind of all the terrifying thoughts that were flooding in. I grabbed my keys and headed towards the one place where I knew I would feel better.

         As I pulled into Shaina's driveway she was running out of the house looking hysterical. I could only see her silhouette because my eyes were clouded from crying.

         "Mila, what the hell! How did you let this happen? How could you let Eddy be so stupid, what were you thinking?" She was yelling at me as I got out of my car.

         This was not the greeting I was expecting. I didn't even have time to react to her accusations before she continued scolding me.

         "Mila, you know better than this. You know better than to let Eddy fuck up like that, what kind of girlfriend are you? God, I always knew you weren't the type of girl that could handle someone like Eddy. You just proved me right. You're too innocent, you're too fragile! I knew something like this would happen."

         With those last statements I broke down. I didn't even have to energy to fight back because I was too emotionally exhausted from the shock of my boyfriend being a murderer and now on top of that I had to deal with my best friend blaming me? I fell to the ground and let my sobs take control. Everything was spinning. Spinning and moving so fast and so wrong and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Shaina sat down next to me and grabbed my hands squeezing tightly. She looked at me with warmth now, which was what I had originally been seeking. After a few silent moments she apologized. She said that she was just worried about Eddy and took it out on me. It was not like Shaina to take someone else's side over mine, but I was in no emotional state to question. However, I was together enough to wonder how she even knew about what had happened since I hadn't mentioned anything. When I calmed down and collected my breath, I asked her.

         "He called and told me," she said, quickly.

         "Oh," I replied, hesitantly. "I'm just surprised he had time to call you before I got here.  I didn't even tell him this is where I was going..." Shaina was unable to look me in my eyes.

         "Well he was worried...and concerned. You know how he gets," she was speaking quickly and in a high pitched voice that let me know she was nervous.

         "Yea, that's true." I couldn't think clearly. I felt like I was on the verge of tears every second. I just wanted someone to take care of this, to make it all go away.

         "Mila, everything will work out. I know Eddy has a plan," her comforting words were exactly what I wanted to hear.

         "I just can't have him go to jail, Shaina. I don't know what I would do."

         She took a deep breath before responding. "Eddy is not going to jail, Mila. I can promise you that."

January 27, 2009 5:04 P.M. (Four days later)

         I had been calling attorneys for hours and finally found one that I thought I could trust.  Shaina had just left to get food since it was the first time in days I had an appetite. It was also the first time in the last four days that I felt some type of hope. Everything was stable at the moment. Eddy was staying at his cousin’s house hiding out until we came up with a way to handle everything while Shaina stayed with me so I wouldn't be alone. The attorney said he had a good chance of fighting the charges since there were no witnesses and Eddy had a solid alibi. I just about to call Eddy and tell him the good news when I heard the doorbell ring. I answered it assuming it was Shaina but was faced with two police officers instead. My heart began to pound. I was not prepared for this.

         "Is this the home of Edward Kent and Mila Layton?" One of the officers asked me. I didn't want to answer. I was running through various excuses in my head that I could say to stall them. Should I pretend I was someone else? Someone who knew nothing? Should I pretend I don't know Eddy? Should I say he's not home, that I don't know where he is? This was happening too fast. I needed more time to prepare for this! I had never lied to the police, let alone really even spoken to the police... I can't lose Eddy, I can't lose Eddy. Not like this. Think, Mila, think.

I could see in their faces they were losing patience. They exchanged a look of annoyance.

         "Look," said the other officer, "we're just going to make this quick. Mila Christine Layton you are under arrest for the murder of Devon Andrews on January 23rd, 2009. We will be taking you in to custody. You have the right to remain silent."

         They grabbed and handcuffed me so fast I was unable to explain to them they were mistaken. This couldn’t be happening. I felt as if I was dreaming or watching someone else get arrested. Not myself. I wasn’t even processing what was going on. This could not be real.

         "I didn't do anything! I didn't...I don't know what you're talking about, just please, this is a misunderstanding!" My tears and pleads meant nothing to them.

         "Save it for the judge. You have the right to representation and you will be able to make a phone call when you get in there," the officer replied.

         "No, this is not right! Please just listen!" I was screaming this now as they escorted me to the police car. I looked back and saw Shaina getting out of her car.  I felt a burst of hope and began to scream to her to come and explain that it was a misunderstanding. 

         "Shaina! Shaina, tell them! Tell them this is a mistake!" But she didn't. She went over to the officer and thanked him for coming to get me. She told them that she was going to turn me in that day but she had an errand to run first, but it didn't matter now that they were here. The exchanged satisfied smiles as I was put in the backseat. Then I saw Chris get out of her car. He walked to Shaina and gave her a kiss on the forehead. They both looked at me. What was going on? My heart was burning. Not the usual heartburn I felt from stress but deep heartburn that gripped my soul. I tried to speak but there were no words coming out of my mouth. I felt like I was in a horror movie. A movie where everyone turns to monsters. But it wasn’t a movie, it was my life. My real life and I was being arrested.

         "No problem," said the officer. "We are just glad we have you as a witness and that you are willing to testify. This is a bizarre case but your cooperation makes it easier. You are the only witness so we are counting on you. You're boyfriend is welcome to come with you to the hearing if you would like," the officer said, motioning to Chris.

         "Thank you," Shaina said.

         "We will be contacting you with the court date as soon as it is set."  And with that last sentence he shut the back door of the black and white car with me inside. I felt numb, confused, in disbelief. How is this happening to me? The pieces didn’t fit, this didn’t make sense. This was a mistake. I couldn’t find my breath. Shaina came to the rolled down window and gave me a sympathetic smile.

         “Shaina, what is happening?” I said in between sobs.

         She got very close to me and whispered in my ear, “It had to be like this, Mila. It was the only way. Me and Eddy are supposed to do big things together and you were getting in the way of that. I’m sorry. Goodbye.”

         The officer started the car and we began to drive away. It made sense now. They had set me up. They must have been sneaking around for the past few months and now that Eddy was in trouble they plotted together to put the murder on me so Eddy would be safe and Shaina would get to be with him. These past four days as I was struggling to find help for Eddy, he was plotting against me. As I put the pieces together I turned back to see Eddy lean and kiss Shaina. As I saw him whisper in her ear I could imagine what he was saying. The same thing he had told me time and time again to make me fall in love with him. “Big things, baby. We’re gonna do big things.”