by Maya Mehta

The strong grip of fear clutched at her throat. She gasped for air, staring at the lace curtains. A beam of light swung by. She shoved a fist in her mouth and let the tears roll down her fat cheeks. She wouldn't even be able to run; the fat on her legs would tangle her bones together and she would fall at the first step. She couldn't breathe. Her cellulite was seeping into her lungs, drowning her.

Something crashed through her front door and splintered wood exploded into her dark living room. The snarl warned her and she was already pushing against the floor before she looked toward the source. The tiger's eyes glinted dangerously in the moonlight. Her buttery fingers squeaked against the wood. She would have found friction if not for the oil oozing from her gaping pores. The beast took a lunge. She couldn't breathe.

She was choking, the bed sheets had wrapped around her neck and tucked under her stomach. She rolled and tugged at the cotton. Air filled her lungs and she listened to her hoarse gasps. She struggled to sit up and propped herself against the wall. Her heaving chest began to calm down. The tears didn't call attention to themselves until she felt the cool air seize upon the moisture. Rectangles of faint light stretched across the ceiling to the opposite wall – the moon was setting. Her phone beeped a warning. Two minutes later it would begin its annoying alarm of church bells.

Providing her body support, her arms scooted her butt toward the edge of the bed. Pink toes greeted the rug first. Using her dresser next to her bed, she purposefully hoisted herself to a standing position. The sound of the creaking floorboards under her weight pressed on her heart, her lips raised in disgust. 

She heard herself pound through her apartment to the bathroom, feeling the building shake with every step. The mirror was turned around with the cardboard side facing her. Fat piece of shit was written in pen. Years ago she had tried to motivate herself in any way, if only to have the courage to look at her own reflection. She didn't think about it anymore, her own words didn't touch her – she reasoned there was too much lard between her and the world for real contact. 

She arrived at class a little early. The reflection of the light on the window of the vending machine taunted her. She stuck out her chin; she could last for five minutes at least, couldn't she? If not for five then at least three, because by then other people would see her munching on her snack, and she couldn't stand when others watched her eat. She could feel their stares on her back rolls, her muffin top, her cankles.  Checking the time again, she found a victory, four minutes had passed. Other people began showing up. She spotted m&m's in the vending machine. She decided she would hide while she ate at the back of the classroom – no. Indecision ruled her world for a few scant moments. 

She sat in the second row of the amphitheater classroom, glancing around before sneaking another m&m from the pocket of her sweatpants. Ten minutes and the room would be filled with the other 500 students taking this class. Her darting eyes settled on a leggy brunette in jeans and a sweater. Their eyes met and the girl gave a generous smile.

“Hey!” The brunette sat next to her. The muscular jean-clad thigh touched her own thick, massive, and chunky one. “I'm Marrissa.”

“Luca,” was her awkward response. She nervously picked her purple mechanical pencil off her desk and began tapping it rapidly against her notebook. “Hi.” 

Marrissa began digging through her purse, a notebook was soon salvaged. “Shit. Can I borrow a pencil?” Her eyebrows were raised pleadingly. Luca nodded and gave her purple instrument to the girl, replacing it with a green one from her pencil case in her backpack. “Thanks.” Another generous smile – so many teeth. She was surprisingly nice for being so attractive.

Marrissa started up another conversation after class, startling Luca since she had expected interruptions throughout the class. However the pretty girl had actually paid attention aside from asking for the occasional m&m. 

“Hey, you got some time? I don't have any classes for the rest of the day.”

“Yeah.” Luca mumbled into her fist.
“Awesome. We're getting me some breakfast.”

After that, it was a guarantee that Marrissa would sit next to Luca and they would share m&m's while taking copious notes, then always get breakfast together after class. Luca was too embarrassed to eat in front of the beautiful girl while Marrissa routinely ordered fruit.

“Hey, do you have a gym membership at the Y?” Marrissa asked while chomping on a pineapple slice.

Luca stiffly shook her head. “No.”

“Okay, well you can be my guest until we get you one.”

“What?” The panic in voice was barely concealed. Her eyes widened and her palms were clammy before she could think exercise.

“Oh are you not...?” Marrissa's cocked her head to the side curiously. “Okay. That's cool. I can find another gym buddy until you're more comfortable I guess.” She smiled kindly, swiftly easing Luca's fear.

“Yeah.” Luca blurted. The half truth escaped her lips before her mind had consented the confession, “You're right. I'm not, um, comfortable exercising in front of people.”

Marrissa waved her hand casually. “Don't even worry about it. I used to hate exercising in front of people. But I found that if you have like, a buddy with you, then you don't. Well at least I don't feel so bad about not being able to run like 4 miles in 6 minutes.” She laughed contagiously. 

Luca smiled awkwardly. The implication that she exercised at all weighing on her mind. You're supposed to be honest with people if you wanted a good friendship. She hadn't outright lied, but...

“Anyway,” Marrissa moved on to the next topic. “Our midterm is next Friday. Do you want to study at my place this weekend?”

“Sure. Where do you live?”

“The apartment dorm complex place thing.” Another easy laugh resounded openly in the air. “Helpful, hunh? It's on Dwaine St, two houses down from Parker. So I'll just meet you at the corner at... Noon? And then we can get crack-a-lackin'.”

The aroma of chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven wafted through the air. Sharp claws dug deep into Luca's self control, her own fingers wrapped tight around her pencil. A math formula danced on notebook paper, and Marrissa's words buzzed like a kazoo.

The timer went off. The ding resounded in Luca's ears – they were ready, they were ready, you could eat them now, who cared if they were hot and gooey and would burn your tongue, they were ready. Marrissa gave Luca a greedy look, “I've been waiting for this all week.”

Why in the world would she wait? Luca watched her thin body glide to an upright position and gracefully step to the oven. She wore oven mitts to retrieve the barely golden cookies. Luca swallowed, suddenly aware that she probably shouldn't drool. She moved to the oven and was soon breathing deep along with her friend.

“Savor it,” came Marrissa's thick voice. She handed a little plate to Luca and used a metal spatula to transfer one slightly under-baked cookie. Luca delicately placed her five fingers around the edge of the cookie and, using just enough pressure, lifted it off the plate. She quickly spun the cookie and let it fall. She repeated this a few times, her efforts toward speeding up the waiting process. She then carefully lifted the cookie again to bring it to her lips and took one small bite.

It burned so good. It melted in her mouth. The chocolate, though scalding, inspired an intense craving for a glass of milk. Marrissa was prepared, providing the pure white liquid before Luca had even swallowed. The milk was ice cold and refreshingly crisp. She ran her tongue around her teeth before she spoke. “Yum.”

“You don't enjoy it properly.” Marrissa's smirk was devilish. She firmly grasped a cookie and let it fall in on itself, exposing its gooey insides. The chocolate chips melted apart and glistened in the dorm's light. She balanced the deformed cookie against the back of her fingers and bent her hand around so she could use her teeth to scrape the dough into her mouth. “Yum.” She said with her mouth full, chocolate covering her teeth.

Luca couldn't contain a delighted snort. Her insides jumped around ecstatically. She was so excited to find someone who loved cookies as much (if not more) than she did, but still too nervous to truly feel comfortable.

Three months had passed since Marrissa had asked about the gym when she approached the topic again at breakfast.

“Eat something.” Her everpresent smile was comforting. Her eyes, however, threw Luca offguard as they were the same when Marrissa was working through a difficult homework problem: concentrated. Calculating.

“Eh.” Luca shrugged, “I'm not hungry.” This was very true. She had syrup and butter for breakfast, with Eggos, as well as some coffee with her sugar. She wasn't about to forget the leftover burrito from last night. She had ordered two and only ate one immediately.

“Then,” Marrissa began hesitantly, “work out with me. Then you'll be hungry. Trust me.”

All her breath escaped from Luca's lungs as she grasped for some excuse, anything, to avoid the humiliation of breaking gym machines. “I... uh.” What a confident beginning.

“We can just go there and sit in the sauna or something. We don't have to do anything too intense.”

A sauna, don't you have to be naked in a sauna? “No way.” Luca silently damned her big mouth.

“Why not?” The curious head-cock was back, her eyes still calculating.

“I don't want to be...” She gestured awkardly, “butt naked?”

Marrissa laughed. “You can wear your sweatpants if you want!” 

“It is so freaking hot.” Luca muttered. Sweat rolled down her face and matted her thick sweater. She was gesturing frantically, her hand threatening to hit anything near her. “I can't believe I'm here. I just – oh my god. I can't even breathe.”

“Hey,” Marrissa grabbed Luca's chaotic limb by the wrist. “Calm down. Just relax,” she inhaled deeply, “and breathe.”

Luca sat still, feeling Marrissa's chest rise and fall through her grasp on her arm. She felt every bead of sweat, every fiber of cotton on her entire body. She closed her eyes and began to accept the heat. She wasn't claustrophobic, there was no reason for panic.

“Thank you sweetie, I was about to kick y'all out.” A raspy voice sounded from behind the heavy steam.

Luca's eyes snapped open, her eyes darting around for the source.

“It's okay,” came Marrissa's soothing voice. “Don't worry.”

“Where is she?” Luca hissed.

“Right across from you.” The raspy voice alerted her.

Luca strained to see through the thick air, only to wish she hadn't. She snapped her eyes shut and slammed her hands against her face. But the image would haunt her forever.

A naked old fat woman sat with her legs splayed open. Wrinkly, leathery skin covered her head to toe. Sagging boobs reached half way down her large stomach. The only miracle, Luca consented, was that she didn't shave down there.

“I'm going to go.” She sang-spoke. Using the lighting on the floor she hurried out of the steamy room.

She ran to Marrissa's locker, and sank to the floor. Her eyes were wide, trying to take in as much as she could to erase the horrible image, another wrinkly old woman walked by in all her glory. She was skinny this time and yes, she did shave down there. 

“LUCA!” Marrissa stormed toward her in just a towel.

“Oh my god.” Luca's traumatized face stared up at the friend she had trusted. “I don't like the gym.”

Friday night, weeks after Luca had forgiven Marrissa for the gym debacle, she was reading a book. Specifically a romance novel about a Scottish Highlander from hundreds of years ago who came to the future specifically to seduce a helpless and yet feisty American woman. It could be classified as softcore porn but hey, Luca smiled, a fat chick had her rights, right? Her phone rattled on her desk and she picked it up without looking at the caller ID. “Hey.”

Marrissa's groan revealed her mood. “My roommate has her boyfriend over for the night, can I please stay over?”

Luca didn't think twice. “Of course.” She gave her address and Marrissa arrived 15 minutes later. 

“Dude, your place is so...” She searched for a word. Luca was suddenly worried, alert for criticism. “Awesome. Why the hell do I live in a dorm-apartment-complex-place-thing? They're so shitty compared to this!”

“It's ridiculously expensive,” Luca said assuringly. “I had to beg my parents for it. I'm so spoiled, I wouldn't feel comfortable at all in dorms.”

“Whatever, this is fantastic, I'm staying over more often.” Marrissa bounced through the rooms. Luca's heart raced when she heard a squeal. She didn't move from her spot at the front door, fearing the different things Marrissa could have found.

“I love the highlander books!” Marrissa ran back to Luca and saw her frantic face. “Oh my god. Calm down, I'm not going to get on your butt over some smutty books, that'd be hypocritical. I'll admit, I stored all of mine away before you came over.” A grin spread across her cheeks. “Let's go through your collection.”

Luca's cheeks puffed up, containing an embarrassed squeal. Then Marrissa grabbed her hands and squealed for her. Luca couldn't help herself. They were soon blasting music from the radio and dancing while baking cookies. Marrissa was jumping around chaotically to the music, flinging cookie dough everywhere.

After the cookies were done, they settled down to find a movie to watch on her computer. Their empty glasses of milk lay forgotten on her wardrobe. 

“I have to go pee.” Marrissa stated.

“Go pee.”

She clicked her tongue and gave an exasperated sigh. “Where's your bathroom?”

“Oh. That door in the kitchen.” Luca smiled.

She heard her walk through the apartment, her steps suddenly louder against the tile of the kitchen compared to the rug. The telltale creak of the bathroom door notified Luca that her friend had accomplished her mission.

Then there was a pause.

“What the FUCK is this!? Get your ass in here you dumb bitch!”

Luca's eyes widened, her trembling hands removed the blanket. Her stomach quivered as she slowly walked through her home. She turned into the kitchen to see her mirror was in Marrissa's hands.

She didn't say anything. Luca waited, too afraid of a confrontation to speak. She watched her best friend fuming with anger. Her eyes were neither understanding, nor calculating. They were glaring at her, threatening her to make a logical case. Luca sucked in a trembling breath and tried to begin. “Um.” 

“Why is this here? From what I can tell you're not a fat piece of shit. So what the fuck?” The accusation slapped Luca in the face. Nothing was worse than a liar. Marrissa had become such a close friend in the past semester. Luca couldn't believe her ears.

Words rolled out of her mouth with such ease she hadn't allowed before. “Excuse me? Are you denying the fact that I'm fucking fat? I'm not going to claim that didn't I write that. It's true. It doesn't mean anything else, it's just true.” Being fat was just a part of her life. Her mother had always let her know how clothes looked over her excess rolls. “I'm fat.” The word almost sounded like a slap against skin, beginning with a hiss and ending abruptly. An appropriate insult. She almost enjoyed saying it.

“Fuck that. You're not fecal matter.”

“Shut up, you know what I mean.”

“Well you're not fat either.” Marrissa mimicked the harsh way Luca said the word.

“Are you blind?” She clutched at her belly and jiggled the fat – indisputable evidence.

“You obviously don't even look in a mirror! Who the hell are you to call me blind!? Here, take a good long look at your apparently fat face!” She shoved the mirror in Luca's view. Luca hit the mirror out of her hand before she could see anything but blurred colors. It landed on the tiled floor with a crack and slid away. Marrissa's nostrils flared.

“I don't need a mirror to look at this.” She gestured back to the fat clutched in her hand.

“You have a belly. Big whoop, you obviously don't exercise. I'll give you that. But oh my fucking god, because you don't even realize that you're so lucky. You pack down the chocolate, the cookies, the cakes on a daily basis, and you still have a pretty damn good body. And I sincerely doubt you gain a pound, because your body is so accustomed to eating all of that shit.”

“What are you saying? You're not even making sense.” The lie came swiftly. She figured it's easy to lie to a liar. She did make sense. Like hell she'd admit it though.

Marrissa's face changed from fiery anger to disapproving disgust. “Call me when you stop being so stupid.” She stormed through the apartment, not even bothering to take her things, and left.

Luca sat down and puffed angrily, hot tears betrayed her emotions. She had issues. She realized that, but who in their right mind wanted to confront their problems. She'd call Marrissa later with an apology, but for now... She just needed... She wiped her eyes and saw a cracked image of the ceiling in the mirror's reflection and looked up.  A bitter laugh escaped her twisted mouth – a dough covered chocolate chip somehow managed its way up there.