A Message Too Soon

by Ashley Ahwah

I awake with a sharp pain in my chest. A glance out the window tells me its still night, and the digital clock flashes 3:34 am. Chrissy’s plane arrives in 8 hours; stop worrying so much, everything will be fine. I sit up and reach for my pills on the bedside table. Turning on the lamp, I rummage through the 5 bottles resting on the surface of the table, until I find the Zyrtec. Opening the child-protected top, Jim rolls over and releases a groan.

“Brenda what are you doing? Come back to bed hun,” he mumbled softly before returning to a deep sleep. I throw the pill in my mouth, gulp down some water, and return to the therapeutic pillow that helps my headaches.

“Brenda wake up. Brenda.”

I peeled open my eyelids to see Jim by my side, moving my body in hopes of waking me.

“You slept through your alarm again. Chrissy’s plane is arriving on-time in 40 minutes. Get dressed so we can pick her up together,” Jim said as he pried me from the mattress and sat me in an upright position.

“Honey, I’m tired, I want to go back to bed. Chrissy will understand. Just tell her I’m not feeling well,” I plea.

“No way. You did this last time. Stop making excuses for yourself and just get dressed. I’ll help, if you’re feeling too weak.” Jim’s been so good to me since the diagnosis: picking up the groceries, cooking dinner, talking to Chrissy on the phone when I’m too distraught to say hello. I guess I could do this one thing for him and Chrissy. I slowly pry back the sky blue comforter, my favorite color, and swing my legs over the side. As I reach for another pill bottle, I feel a tingly sensation between my toes.

“Barney, stop it that tickles!” We let Chrissy name him. Twelve years old, and he still wiggles his black silky body like he did when we first brought him home as a puppy.

“I want a Labrador Mommy! They’re family dogs, and we’re a family,” exclaimed Chrissy when she was seven. She always puts her family first, makes sure everyone is taken care of. She’s sensitive like that, which is why I’m hesitant to tell her the news. After I take two pills out of one bottle, I take a pill from another, then two more from a third bottle. I push myself up and slowly slump over to the bathroom. A glance in the mirror says it all.

“Jim!” I shout.

“Yes honey,” he replies while running from the kitchen.

“I’m not going. I look like a stick. I can’t let Chrissy see me like this!”

It’s the first time I’ve looked at my body up and down in weeks. My bones are showing from every angle I glance at, and my eyes are overshadowed by the darkness that forms a crescent shape underneath them. I pick up a brush, in hopes of receiving better news from my hair than I did from my body. One comb through my beautiful blonde locks is all it takes. Without glancing at the brush, I can feel a hole in my head where a part of my hair used to rest. I look up into the mirror and find Jim standing behind me, speechless with tears in his eyes. I don’t remember the last time I saw him cry. It was probably 6 months ago when the doctor diagnosed me with cancer.

“Brenda, it’s fine. We can just gently comb over it, and you can put on a baseball cap or something. Nobody will notice,” Jim softly stated sympathetically.

The airport is crowded with an overflow of people as we pull up curbside to the ‘Arrivals’ section. Waiting in anticipation, I twiddle my thumbs, hoping Chrissy won’t notice anything out of the ordinary.

She can’t think anything bad is going on. It’s been 6 months since I saw her last. She should understand my weight loss; I’ll just say I joined Jenny Craig or something....

A loud honk steals my attention, and I look up and observe the cause of the commotion. Hastily walking towards the SUV is a newly brunette Brown University sophomore, my daughter Chrissy.

“Mom!” Chrissy shrieks so loud, I can hear her voice clearly from inside the car.

Jim opens my door, and helps me stand up. Chrissy pummels into me, embracing me with her petite body.

“Oh my gosh it’s so great to see you mom. I missed you so much, you have no idea.”

“Do I get a hello too?” Jim asked.

“Of course Daddy, I’m sorry. I missed you too,” Chrissy stated apologetically.

I stood there, in awe of the woman my baby girl has become.

“Mom, what’s with you? You look like you’re crying,” Chrissy asked curiously.

Jim shot me a pull yourself together glare, and my tear ducts immediately glued themselves together. We get back into the car, and I roll down the window, allowing the cool, gusty Colorado winds to brush through the blonde locks remaining on my head. Suddenly, a large gust of wind blows through the car, ripping off my hat, exposing my bald spot to the backseat of the car where Chrissy is sitting.

“Mom! What happened to your hair?” Chrissy exclaims, as I frantically attempt to replace my cap.

I glance backwards to see the worried expression painted across Chrissy’s face. “Uuhhh, everything’s all right sweetie. It was an accident. Barney and I were wrestling one day in the family room, and the gum I was chewing fell onto the floor and got into the roots of my hair. Your dad had to cut out the entire spot, but it’ll grow back quickly,” I explained, hoping the story wasn’t too far-fetched. It takes a few seconds, but Chrissy’s expression soon relaxes, and she stops twiddling her thumbs. A little chuckle escapes from her mouth, then another, and another, until she’s laughing hysterically at the image of my hair with gum glued to it. We all eventually begin laughing, Jim and I just humoring Chrissy so she doesn’t become suspicious.

“Hey guys, I want to see everyone as much as I can this Thanksgiving break, so I took the liberty of Facebooking Julia and Aunt Linda over for dinner tomorrow. But it’s turned into a big dinner party because they called everyone else. So I hope six is an okay time for everyone to arrive. Mom I can help you with cooking and everything, since I’m sort of springing all this onto you.” Chrissy says, barely in between breaths. Jim and I stare at her in shock.

Shit, Linda knows everything. She better have not told anyone about me, and she better not slip and tell Chrissy tomorrow.

“I guess that’s OK. Are you sure you don’t want to wait a few days though until you get settled in? We’re going to see everyone next week anyways for Thanksgiving,” I ask, hoping Chrissy will change her mind.

“No really, it’ll be fine. There’s about 10 of us I’m counting; including Linda’s nephew Charlie who’s visiting,” Chrissy replied.

The rest of the night was slow. Chrissy laid in her room with her cell phone glued to her ear, while Jim watched the Saints beat the Vikings in the playoffs on his new HD television. I remained in my room and attempted to read my novel. After catching myself reading over the same line for the hundredth time, I allowed my mind to focus on the events that would occur in the following night.

What if one of the kids notices my weight loss and says something? What if Linda isn’t sensitive towards Chrissy and talks about my illness in front of her? What if Linda starts crying? What if I start crying? I lay my head against my therapeutic pillow and listen to Symphony No. 9 on my iPod; Linda says it helps calm the nerves. I soon doze into a deep, deep sleep.

****

I wake up and glance at the clock. It’s 5:50 p.m.

Oh my gosh did I sleep through the entire day?! Why didn’t anyone wake me?

I jump out of bed, as fast as my cancerous legs can take me, and race to the bathroom to get ready in time before the family arrives. I barely have my dress zipped up when the doorbell rings. From the entry hall I can hear Linda’s name echoing from Chrissy’s mouth. Slowly combing through my hair with my boney fingers and flopping my bangs to the side, I make my way into the other room where everyone is mingling.

“Big sister! It’s so great to see you. You look so skinny!” exclaims Linda, her face changing from excited to worried in a matter of moments.

Oh shit, here we go.

“Hey Linda. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you all together. You, Carter, Maddie, and Jason. Isn’t Maddie about four now?” I ask, in hopes of changing the subject.

“Oh yeah, she’s growing fast. But I also brought Carter’s nephew Charlie who just turned 13. His mother needed a break from his teenage attitude,” Linda explained then released a brief chuckle.

I turn around to find my best friend Julia arrive with her husband Henry, and I immediately greet them, taking advantage of the opportunity to ditch Linda.

“Jules, thank God you’re here. Problem in the making right now,” I plead grabbing Julia by the wrist and dragging her to the side of the room.

“What is it Brenda? Did you tell Chrissy yet?” Julia questions.

“No, I haven’t but Linda knows and she’s already told the kids, which is really bad because I didn’t get a chance to warn her about not mentioning it,” I reply.

“It’s going to be ok, don’t panic. Just pull Linda to the side and let her know quickly before dinner starts,” Julia said, calming me down.

We enter the living room, and come to find Chrissy and Charlie talking in the corner.

He’s probably thinking he can get a college girl, and then go and brag to his friends afterwards.

I sit in the chair close by the teenagers, and overhear their conversation.

“So you’re nineteen? That’s only 6 years older than me. Whad’ya say, wanna go out sometime?” asks Charlie with the utmost confidence.

“Haha. You’re cute and all, but I just don’t think it’s going to work out. You’re just a little inexperienced, kid. But how about we go grab a bite to eat sometime this week, instead. Just as friends,” replies Chrissy with respect.

“Fine, then maybe you can tell me more about your family. I’m really sorry about your mom, though, all jokes aside,” states Charlie.

“What are you talking about? Nothing’s wrong with my mom,” stated Chrissy, her facial expression and tone immediately changing course.

“Her cancer, duh. Aunt Linda said she only has like 6 months left, that’s why we’re all here at your house for Thanksgiving this year,” Charlie said before instantly noticing he’s said too much.

I turn, giving Charlie a death glare, and making eye contact with my beautiful baby girl, who is standing now, staring at me in awe, with Niagara Falls forming in her eyes.

“Mommy. What is Charlie saying?” Chrissy politely asks.

“Honey, baby, it’s nothing to worry about, we should talk about this later,” I reply, hoping World War III won’t break out.

“NO! What the hell does this little prick mean when he says you have 6 months to live? Tell me now!” Chrissy exclaims, Niagara flowing down her cheeks uncontrollably.

“I have pancreatic cancer, baby. Daddy and I were going to tell you, we just didn’t want to do it over the phone. I’m so sorry honey,” I whisper softly, although everyone in the room can clearly hear me.

“Mommy you can’t die. You’re not allowed to die yet,” Chrissy weeps, falling down to the floor, bringing her hands closer to her face.

I look at Jim as he rushes towards her, holding her in his arms as she thinks about life without her mother. Then I look up at by baby sister and best friend, their eyes telling me what they’re thinking as they watch my husband cradle Chrissy in his arms.

I just made the worst mistake of my life. I should have never allowed Chrissy to have this dinner. And I’m going to kill Charlie. That kid doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up.

“Brenda, I’m so sorry. I had no idea you hadn’t told Chrissy yet, otherwise I would’ve told the kids not to say anything,” Linda claims as she comes over to comfort me.

“It’s okay, she was going to find out sooner or later, I guess. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.”

Chrissy’s wailing continues, remaining in her father’s arms as everyone leaves.

Jim’s taken Chrissy to her room when I get back in the house, and I slouch down into the couch, closing my eyes, trying to figure out what to say to my distraught daughter.

****

“Mom? Mom, wake up. It’s 10am, you said you were going to help me make the dinner for tonight,” Chrissy claims as she lightly taps my cheeks like she used to do on Christmas morning.

I open my eyes to find myself in my bed, wearing the same clothes I had worn when Chrissy came home.

What am I doing in bed? Why is Chrissy being so kind after what happened? What am I wearing?

“Honey, what do you mean make dinner? The dinner already happened,” I reply sympathetically.

“Mom, what are you talking about? You must have been dreaming or something cause the dinner’s in like 8 hours,” Chrissy states, wondering why I’m being so delirious.

Maybe this is a sign. I have to tell Chrissy before someone else does. It’ll crush her if I don’t.

I walk into the kitchen, where Chrissy and Jim are whipping up my favorite banana pancakes.

“Chrissy, honey...There’s something important your father and I have to tell you.”