Grandma Gretchen

by Simone Kurland

 "Well that's uglier than sin." Grandma Gretchen remarked of a silky red satin dress. Gabby had considered asking her grandmother to buy this dress, up until that point. Her doughy grandmother made her way over to another aisle, scanning the rack with her heavily made up eyes, like a vulture preying for food. "Oh isn't this darling?" She asked thrusting a large frilly white monster under Gabby's disapproving chin. "Go and try that on now Gabby, your mother will just love to see you in it for your recital." Gabby snatched the dress from her grandmother and dragged it across the linoleum floor. "Don't drag it now, you don't want your new dress all dirty do you?" Her piercing voice following her like a pesky younger sibling.

      Gabby detested shopping, especially with her grandma Gretchen. She was a pushy old woman who counted how many rolls Gabby ate at dinner. During Thanksgiving Gabby had reached for a second role when she felt a sharp slap on the top of her hand knocking the roll from her grip.

      "Gabby you've already had a roll. I think that's quite enough. By the look of you that's the last thing you need." Gabby watched it fall to the floor and hit the carpet. She slammed her knife and fork to the table and stood up, shoving her chair backwards.

      "I just don't know what has gotten into that girl lately." Grandma Gretchen said as her knife screeched against the plate.

      Gabby slammed the changing room door closed and peeled away her clothes from her sticky skin. She stepped into the puffy white-sleeved dress, picturing being the laughing stock at her piano recital. She grabbed the metal zipper between her warm fingertips. She turned around to look in the mirror and was disgusted. The dress certainly did not accentuate the right places. It made her look like a giant polar bear. The cinched fabric from the waist down clung to the thighs her grandmother had once described as "fire hydrants".  She heard a violent tapping on the door and her grandmother's voice sting the silence of the dressing room.

      "Come on out and show your grandmother, Gabby." She persistently kept pounding the door with her palm against the wood, the ping of her rings echoing. Gabby hesitated before opening the door, not wanting to be in the control of her grandma once again. As soon as she opened the door she regretted it. Her grandma shrieked with delight and exclaimed, "Gabby that looks wonderful! Walk on over to the register so they can ring it up for us."

      "But grandma I'm not sure if this is the right dress." Grandma Gretchen paused, almost as if she were going to compromise.

      "Well I would just love for the sales woman to see you in it. Come on now." Her talon like nails reached for Gabby's hand but she casually pulled away as she pretended to readjust the zipper. Gabby reluctantly followed her grandmother through the maze of aisles in the massive department store. When they reached the register it was no saleslady, but a boy in Gabby's class. She felt her mouth starting to fill with saliva, which had always happened when she felt nervous.

      "Hello! This is my granddaughter Gabby and we would like to purchase this beautiful gown for her recital. The guy looked from Gabby to her grandma as if viewing a tennis match.

      "Uh. Okay. Do you know how much it is so I can ring it up please?" Grandma Gretchen looked to Gabby. She nervously began to fumble with her dress trying to find the price tag. Her grandma's eyes began to bat impatiently and her clumpy mascara flaked off and landed on her bagged under eyes. When Gabby had been searching in all the obvious places for about ten seconds her grandma butted in.

      "Jesus Gabby, I just knew you came out a little funny when you were born. It's right HERE." She pointed to an obscure cinch of cloth on Gabby's back and cackled to herself as if the matter were amusing.

      The cashier boy looked a little disturbed and glanced to where Grandma Gretchen was pointing. The clacking of the old fashioned register sounded like small gunshots.

      "Your total is $81.35." He said. Grandma dug in her elaborate floral purse. She grabbed her wallet and pulled out a credit card that was held in a loose grip by the squared tips of her ruby red acrylic nails.

      "Will that be debit or credit?" Gabby's frown dropped even lower, and her bottom lip began to protrude.

      "Credit." Grandma Gretchen crossed her legs, causing her varicose veins to bulge.

      "Grandma…" Gabby barely squeaked her voice trembling; something she hated and knew would result in tears.

      "Say something Gabby?" Grandma Gretchen squawked.

      "I…I don't like this dress. I don't want this dress." Her voice began to steady. Grandma Gretchen merely ignored her granddaughter and turned to the cashier boy who was beginning to look severely disturbed. Seconds after having snatched the receipt, with a few quick swoops of her wrist, the deal was done.

      "I don't think you heard me." Gabby growled, her teeth clenched tight.

      "Oh I heard you perfectly well. You're going to wear this dress to your piano recital." Gabby felt her tears begin to rise.

      "I am not going to wear this dress. Because now that it's officially MINE, I am going to officially RETURN it." She snatched the plastic bag and shoved it towards the cashier boy. His mouth fell open slightly and gave Gabby a hesitant look. She looked him straight in the eye, her jaw tight. He quickly grabbed the bag and took out the receipt.

      Meanwhile, you could almost see Grandma Gretchen's brain working to formulate her next criticism.

      "Excuse me but would be so kind as to explain to my, granddaughter your return policy?" She said, her beady black eyes almost glimmering in excitement.

      The cashier boy stood frozen and to his rescue came the manager.

      "Hello! My name is Nate. I'll be your sales helper today! Did I hear an inquiry about our new and improved returns policy?" He said, his perkiness practically dripping from his pores. Grandma Gretchen's satanic smile began to fade.

      "Pardon, did you say new returns policy?" She squeaked.

      "Why yes I did! Since our new management, we've updated our returns policy to a new and improved customer friendly plan!"  His tonal pitch scraped inaudible to humans, causing cashier boy to look even more alarmed.

      "What can I return for you today ma'am?" He said grabbing the receipt out of cashier boy's hands and looking directly at Gabby.

      "Okay…alright." He said reaching inside the plastic bag and perusing the receipt simultaneously. His brows rose.

      "Well I can see why you'd want to return this monster!" He said giving Gabby an encouraging look.

      With several quick taps of the cash register, that didn't sound quite so deathly the second time, he handed Gabby a credit slip, with $81. 35 written in swirling calligraphy.